Okay, I just updated, but when I looked at my diary I saw Jades book, and Kal's comment.

*SIGH*

Thanks peeps.....what can I say. Even a fraction of understanding is good. Almost a comfort.

The drugs. Yes....the drugs.

Fuck I hate this.

The drug I am going on is called Copaxone. It is a genetic makeup of the myelin sheath that coats your nerves insulating them. Seeing as MS is much like Myelin, my immune system attacks the myelin on my nerves, thus causing scar tissue, and nerve damage. *phew* ok.
The whole idea of this drug is to flood my entire system with this fake myelin, so as to trick my immune system into attacking the drug, and not my nerves. It is a very long term drug. It takes 6 months before there will be an effect, and then it will be daily injections until I die. Now the nurse at the drug company said they have a 28% success rate with it. In other words if a person has 3 MS attacks a year, it could drop to 1 a year. My neurologist says she has seen a 67% success rate, and has known patients to go attack free for upto 5 years. I average 2-4 attacks a year.
What's an attack? Easy, new nerve damage. I'll wake up numb somewhere new, and it takes about 2 months to almost heal. Why does it suck so much? Easy...for example 1/8-1/16 of my clit has feeling, the rest of me is dead. I can orgasm maybe once every 3 months. Nice huh? No rubbing one out, or sexual pleasure of any sort for me. And all my life that was my only stress relief. Now I am just bitter, and cynical. Of course, if/when Jay and I part ways in life, I will purposely remain alone. I have no feeling, so no sex drive. A multiple is the only person who will ever co-exist with someone who prefers no sex involved. After her, I won't find another one, so I won't bother to look.

Okay.....now the injections. When first injected, the face will flush, an anxiety attack will kick in, and last upto 30 min. Then the injection site reaction kicks in. Oh look! A welt....anywhere from the size of a quarter, to the size of a baseball...or even bigger. But luckily that's the only side effects of it. The other MS drugs are Interferons. Nasty shit that can cause liver and kidney damage, and cause spontanious abortions right after injections, not to mention flu symptoms. Blood tests constantly for that shit. I refuse to go on them, Copaxone is the only one I will do.

But injecting daily. Welts and anxiety. It sounds so stupidly simple, but is scares the fuck out of me. Admittedly I get a special injector that is like a gun type thingy where I hit a button and the needle pierces me and does the deed. But when the nurse comes to train me, that's when I get to learn to do it with the needle alone. "Just incase you injector breaks"

I'm working on shit though. I am trying to confront it. Tonight I came up with plans to listen to The Exploited on my diskman, and get all pissed off before I inject. Then I started on the whole sadistic/masochistic side of things, and then finished up with taking a crazy stance on things, and getting a sick thrill from it. But when I don't let my cheese slip off my cracker, the fear creeps up again, and I start to freak. I just haven't slept well in months over this shit.

I'm tired of hearing that I will be ok, or I'll get used to it. On one hand I want to blow up their houses for that, and on the other hand I know they are right. I mean the scariest thing I have ever lived through was pregnancy, and compared to that this is a joke. I just hate change!

Why do things have to change? Why can't life be scripted so I can relax? I swear I have a mental problem.phobia collection going on here.

I just talked myself in circles again.
*sigh*

Ya, I'm trying to deal with this alone.

I'm so confused. I'm torn between fear and reason.

fear and reason, oh ya. Like they aren't exact opposites.

Jade, how about you share some of that valium hey?

We'll go out like Thelma and Louise.

Fuck I hate this.

IVY

Quiet-Bitch!

~WTF?~ - Saturday, Mar. 25, 2017
~Relaxation~ - Tuesday, Sept. 01, 2015
~The hunt is on.~ - Tuesday, Aug. 04, 2015
~Sometimes~ - Friday, Mar. 21, 2014
~Fawk~ - Tuesday, Jan. 07, 2014