It's finally caught up with me. I'm fucking miserable.

Jays birthday is Saturday, and she won't be here. I had so many plans too. I was going to get a Theme room at the Fantasyland Hotel in West Edmonton Mall. We were going to do dinner together, then Harry Potter and the Prisoner of Azkaban.

After that I was going to take her to Dragon FX...the tattoo place in the mall...just so she could say she got ink in the worlds largest mall. Then some shopping, a night in a room with a hot tub, a little fun the next day, then a lazy night at home. I wanted to make a weekend of it. Just us, just her being spoiled.

I wanted to buy the kids some toys, let them play some games in Galaxyland, take a ride on the submarines with them, maybe a game of mini golf. Have my kids be kids.

I miss my kids like I miss my strength. They have been on my mind constantly. Because of the 2 min phone calls, and inability for Jay to get online more than maybe 2x a week...I haven't spoken to them at all, and it's killing me.

Then there's Jay. All I do is cry, and surround myself with things that remind me of her. A few days ago, I stood with her u/w drawer open, with a fistfull of clothing burying my face in it because it still smells like her, and bawling my eyes out. Ya I know...pretty sad. But she is my best friend, the love of my life. Good or bad she is a solid part of me. I haven't slept well in 3 months. I miss my peace of mind I have when she's around me.

I just miss her.

She said in an email today that she snapped awake this morning to One Thing by Finger Eleven on the radio, and had an intense feeling I was thinking about her. At that point in time, I was sitting in the dark crying.

I hate the sun, food has no taste, I don't want to talk to people because they don't understand. I go through lifes paces dead inside because she is so far away. I find it hard to smile because I don't have my kids here doing kid things, and having accidents that usually mess the place up really good. But when I get sad, they will sit on the floor next to me, playing with their paints, and singing to me.

My insomnia ends so fast when she is here. I get right up against her and spoon her, bury my face in her back, and next thing I know it's morning. When she is here I fall asleep as soon as she touches me, even with just a foot. When she is gone, I can't settle, and I end up awake until I drop from exhaustion.

I just need them here. I need them all with me. They are such an integral part of me, and my life. I just can't function without them.

The 28th is so far away.

IVY

Quiet-Bitch!

~WTF?~ - Saturday, Mar. 25, 2017
~Relaxation~ - Tuesday, Sept. 01, 2015
~The hunt is on.~ - Tuesday, Aug. 04, 2015
~Sometimes~ - Friday, Mar. 21, 2014
~Fawk~ - Tuesday, Jan. 07, 2014