And I got a reply from the email to my dad.

Amber,

I don't see your request to her as either demanding or out of proportion. Asking me for an opinion about your mom really isn't fair because I can't give you an objective one (from the outside looking in), only a subjective one (personally) which of course is tainted. What you saw today at the mall regarding any interaction between me and her is par for the course. Friendly, cordial, non-abrasive... like old friends meeting at the mall! She is always this way to me and has been for the past 19 years. It'll be 20 years this Nov. that we put an end to our union.

I have seen, certainly through you and very sparsely through Hardy (only because he avoids her continually because he doesn't have to depend on her as you seem to have to), a change in her personality from the time when we were so-so getting along and she was in better moods. The days when the Dukart's would drop over for coffee in Castle Downs. The offers of goodies to all who dropped by, enjoying the offer of dinners as well.

Friendships are made because you become one yourself. Does this make sense? And friendship is very personal and special. It seems to me that your mom has been affected very much by the failure of her marriage to Chris and as such, perhaps fears becoming close to anyone again. Her constant comments about him (the jerk and so on) shows that she's still very much consumed by his memory. But not just males to fill her life... anyone including females. Though she portrays herself as being warm, friendly and wonderful person to speak with at work at the hospital, she appears to come home, squirrels herself away from the world and lets no one in. "You have to be a friend to have a friend." And this also takes energy. You just don't meet someone, spend some fun times with them and suddenly success is reached. Friendship has to be constantly nurtured by sharing ideas, troubles and good times. Drop the ball for too long and the bond begins to unravel. Only certain friendships can withstand long periods of separation, then when meeting again, it seems as though it was just yesterday. This is 'best friend' status in my books. Good friends listen but shouldn't judge; share ideas and thoughts about life; solve the world's problems over a coffee or 2 and can't wait to get together again for another round.

If what you're telling me is true regarding the events as you stated them, and I have no reason to doubt them, then I think it's time to leave her to her own devices. She's got a sour outlook on life and just needs enough space to practice them in. You seem to be the outlet for her negativity because she can control you. She chooses to be reclusive yet treats those whom she should savour (you) as a pest of sorts. I suppose the only thing I can suggest is keep away from her. She offers nothing but stress in your life yet she can function normally, or so it appears, while you stew in guilt and remorse.

But far be it for me to tell you how to react to her. Like pitting me against her, there's no real cut and dry answer. Hardy ignores her because he can. There's no children involved as you have.

Having said all the above, don't beat yourself up. You ARE a generous person. (Except for the times when Kristian was a baby and you'd sneak cookies from under the coffee table without offering one to me when I was visiting :(

I have seen how much you dote over Kristian, worrying that his happiness is somehow attached to worldly goods. He's the type of personality that would be happy playing with a cardboard box! You don't owe him anything except a warm bed to sleep in, food on the table, clothes to keep him comfy and love beyond anything. This is where I fell flat on my face with you and Hardy. Michelle made me happy in life again and I tried to exhibit this to the both of you. It has finally come to fruition though many years too late. Kids don't come with instruction books as you well know. Some make better parents than others. You're a better parent that I ever was or would ever be.

One more thing... never deprive yourself of making yourself happy. Treat yourself to something regularly that makes you feel good. A new top, a hairdo from a stylist or even just a special coffee from Second Cup. Anything that's just for you. Is it fair that the kid gets a $30 book (even though you read it as well) yet you choose to do nothing to to get that feeling he gets?

When I get back near the end of the month from Toronto (we leave for a week this Thursday to attend a 50th anniversary of Michelle's cousin there), I'd like to take you to Wal-Mart and get some fresh clothes for you. It's been a while. And I think you might not only like the shopping trip itself but it may be the elixir to help you feel good about yourself once again. And work on making some friendships by being a friend.

Last but not least, I love you.

Dad

Thats why I wish I was raised by him. Geez, I wonder where all my probs come from.

IVY

Quiet-Bitch!

~WTF?~ - Saturday, Mar. 25, 2017
~Relaxation~ - Tuesday, Sept. 01, 2015
~The hunt is on.~ - Tuesday, Aug. 04, 2015
~Sometimes~ - Friday, Mar. 21, 2014
~Fawk~ - Tuesday, Jan. 07, 2014