Every day is the same as the next now.

Let down, after let down. Tuesday is creeping up fast, and the closer it gets, the more freaked I get. I have never received a filling before, and now I am getting 2. My dentist says that there was no reason for me to have a cavity. He figures it was a flaw in the enamel. Kinda a soft spot. The other filling is a spot between to molars that has been sitting dormant for 14 years. He says it looks like the color might have slightly changed. So rather than waiting, he is gonna just get rid of it now. My dad is playing it down, so is my mom. But they don't know what it's like. I am almost 30, and getting my teeth worked on for the first time. This has me scared shitless. Jay promised she would be here to support me, but as usual she isn't, and won't be at all. Like usual, I have to do this alone. This hasn't been a relationship for months. Now it's completely dead. Now I just face everything alone. I have no support at all from anyone. My dad is going with me because I need a ride, and he usually pays for shit. But he is so fucking understanding that he gets pissed off in a snap of a finger, and barks at me. Just great.

It's almost 7am, and I can't sleep. This shit is driving me insane. Too much has happened lately, and I have been hurt too much. My mind is always racing, I can't eat, can't sleep, and my only comfort is razors through flesh. Thats not right. Too much stress. Too fucking much. My hands have exploded with ecxema, and I can't sleep from that either. The itching wakes me up from a dead sleep.

I have been looking at my life alot tonight. I have looked at my relationships, and have come to the conclusion that I think I am supposed to be alone. In 1999 I celebrated Samhain with a wiccan coven. We did past life regression, and I came out of it with so much guilt that I cried for 2 hours straight. I just couldn't stop. Perhaps I am paying for what happened then, in this life now? Thats the only explanation I have for where my life has gone. Perhaps I deserve all of this. That night I fell apart. I will never forget what I saw, and the high preistess saw something in me. She saw what happened to me that night. She saw the others bullshit their way through it, telling stories they made up. She made a comment on how it was natural to bring emotion back with you. Yet I was the only one who felt it. I was there, I saw it, I knew. I'll never forget. I suppose this is my punishment. So be it.

I just wish I could sleep. To sleep is to forget. I miss the freedom of slipping into that black void. I yawn, and yawn. But when I lie down, I wake up, and just lay there. Is thios all there is anymore?

I wish I could escape. I want to run. I want to forget. Why the fuck can't I sleep?

Something tells me that the only way I am gonna sleep, is if I put myself into shock again.

There has to be a better way.

IVY

Quiet-Bitch!

~WTF?~ - Saturday, Mar. 25, 2017
~Relaxation~ - Tuesday, Sept. 01, 2015
~The hunt is on.~ - Tuesday, Aug. 04, 2015
~Sometimes~ - Friday, Mar. 21, 2014
~Fawk~ - Tuesday, Jan. 07, 2014