Ask yourself amber....why do you stay? If you are that upset, hurt, and falling apart.....why stay?

I am on day 4 of a massive food binge. Normally I eat next to nothing. But because of the pain I am feeling, I am filling the void, and comforting myself, with food. Even as I type this, I am eating handful, after handful of dry sugery cereal. I can't stop. If I was still smoking I would have finished a pack in the last few hours.

Why do I stay?

Well, for alot of reasons really. First of all, I love everything about Jay. Of course I hate this shit, but when she is here, it's different. When she is here, we fight when we need to talk. We have all out wars just because we need a conversation. I have been trying to work on myself, and work on being able to talk again. We used to talk non-stop. But then it changed. I think we both need to get selfish again, and push ourselves on eachother. She has started to, but I keep backing off. That is our only real issue. Other than that....we would never fight.

Then there are the kids. MY kids. I am Mum, Amber, the best friend, muse, sister, doctor, and anything else they want me to be. I love them all with all my heart. Even the shitheads like JC. I love them all.

Ya ok....quite a few put me through the wringer. No one can see past that. But I do. I see the pain, the lonliness, the need for love and acceptance. I see the abuse, hatred, and hell they went through. I see what created them in the first place. In seeing that, I can excuse their actions as just being all they know, all they were ever shown. Ya it hurts, but if you try to take a bone from a starving dog, he will bite you. Just like if you try to take the security of hell itself from an alter that only knows that.........well, you get bitten by them too.

So why do I stay?

Maybe I am a masochist at heart. Maybe the pain is all I know because of my past. Maybe deep inside I really do understand.

This relationship is not one sided by any means. Sometimes I write that it is, but that is a moment of hurt trapped in words. Released onto a keyboard. TGO is around right now, and helping me in alot of ways. She says she is here for a short time, then has to go back in. I really don't want her to go in. She is my backbone right now. She is helping me pick myself up again. She is one of my best friends. Atleast I know she will come if I call.

I love those kids. I miss the little guys sitting on the floor and fingerpainting. Always making one hell of a mess, but the best artwork I have seen. I miss them singing to me. Cuddling upto me. I miss putting them to sleep so that they don't have nightmares. I miss them coming to me because they are hungry, or they wet themselves, or they hurt themselves. I miss being their Mum.

I have spent around $350 on them on ebay, and just general "ohh so and so would love that!". Talking to them on the phone or online just doesn't cut it.

The flight centre fucked up Jays flight. I caught the fuck up, and she had it fixed. Out of all the flights she has told me about, this is the first one that has the exact right flight #, and times, and connections. Plus TGO promised me, and she is the top alter. She can't lie, doesn't lie, and doesn't promise unless she can guarantee it. Part of me wants to doubt it all, but the other part has me tied in knots inside, and doing backflips.

Why do I stay? Why do I choose to believe? Why do I put up with it all?

I suppose, to sum it all up, it's simple.

If I don't stay and love them.....who will? And who would ever love me for my asshole ways?

Bottom line, we understand eachother, and although I hurt, I can forgive the kids.

I can sum it up in one line......

I stay because we are meant to be.

We are both fuck ups, rejects, and assholes. We are mean, abusive, and bitter. We also have unconditional love for eachother no matter what. You show me another couple who can say their love is unconditional. I know of one. My dad and stepmom. Everyone else I know has conditions. I love you if.... I love you when....

I just love her, and everyone in her.

Sometimes there is so much in me, I get chest pain from it all. My heart aches from the strength of the love I feel for them all, and from them all.

Why do I stay?

Because I could never go. Not without breaking my heart.

Is that odd?

IVY

Quiet-Bitch!

~WTF?~ - Saturday, Mar. 25, 2017
~Relaxation~ - Tuesday, Sept. 01, 2015
~The hunt is on.~ - Tuesday, Aug. 04, 2015
~Sometimes~ - Friday, Mar. 21, 2014
~Fawk~ - Tuesday, Jan. 07, 2014