I discovered tonight that the kids are trying to fuck with the minds of other women again. I got an offline message from Viki, asking me shit about Jay, yet she apparently hates "him", and I was snooping in Jays shit and found a disgusting email from Rose. She thinks Jay is a guy, and probably was sent pix of Nikki. I am guessing JC is around again. JC and Jonjo are the ones who pull all the shit. They like the attention they get from women, when they pretend to be men.

So, I sent her an email, explained what was going on, and gave her a pass to come in here. So that Jay, and whoever pulled this shit knows...I sent a copy of the email I sent her, to Jay. Which means Jay will have access here again. But I don't care anymore. If they loved me, they wouldn't hurt me like this. I am seriously thinking I should disconnect my net for a while, then maybe I can get away from them. I cried, and cried all afternoon. TGO made me feel better, then I find this.

I live in constant turmoil, and guilt. They all hurt me so bad I want to kill myself. I sit with a fist full of ativan, and wish for the strength to overcome the guilt. I have guilt from my son, and the fact I am considering leaving him. But I am so confused, and hurt, and head fucked by them all, that I just can't deal with it anymore.

Because of this Rose shit happening again, I think the kids don't give a fuck about me anymore. IOf they did, and if they wanted me around, then why don't I get the attention? Why do they always go after these dumb women who turn into stalkers? You would think Rose would know better after the CJ Ramone thing in 2000. Hell, Jay even ripped her off for alot of money. But she said she sent the money orders back because she couldn't cash them.

You see? This is why I am ready to die. I don't even know reality anymore. She says she loves me, then I find this. I know it is a kid, but how am I supposed to read an email that is another woman asking if "Jay" saw her getting off on the webcam?

Is this all loving her has to offer me?

Am I cursed to forever be hurt by them all?

How do I deal with it, and stay alive?

I hope Rose comes in here, and reads some of this diary, and sees that Jay is infact Claire, and is a multiple.

Jay will read the emails, panic, and scream at me. Then she will threaten me, say I narked on her, and maybe even try to write me off. Maybe she might even shut me out completely. Half of my would fall apart, and the other half would celebrate.

I caught someone online tonight on her id. They claimed to be some guy, but I know it was either her or a kid. The same typos, same phrases.....and same feeling.

Not to mention the creation of a new aol screen name, and as far as I know, you can only do that when logged into a master acct. Not to mention email being checked, and the new screen name notification email was completely deleted. It can't be completely deleted by the net. You have to be logged in there to do it, or it sits in deleted items for a day or 2.

I'm not as dumb as I act, or look.

I really think they all hate me.

IVY

Quiet-Bitch!

~WTF?~ - Saturday, Mar. 25, 2017
~Relaxation~ - Tuesday, Sept. 01, 2015
~The hunt is on.~ - Tuesday, Aug. 04, 2015
~Sometimes~ - Friday, Mar. 21, 2014
~Fawk~ - Tuesday, Jan. 07, 2014