How much bullshit can a person take before she explodes?

Apparently alot.

So, I was talking to someone online who claimed to be Nikki Sixx of Motley Crue. I personally couldn't believe it. Things just didn't seem right. Something was wrong with it. So, I asked one simple question.....knowing that Jay couldn't answer it if I asked it......"Whgat time is it?"

I was told the wrong time. You see, someone in California sure as hell would know the time there. Jay on the other hand....she wouldn't. Half the time she can't figure out the time here, let alone another time zone. I caught her out, she denied it....or should I say HE denied it, and I said to myself "fine, if you want to live a lie, then live one." There were certain character traits she has that she can't get rid of. She doesn't see them, but I do. I probably would have second guessed myself, and eventually spun my head in circles so much that I would have believed it, wxcept she did a major fuck up. She sent me a URL for an online profile of his.

Now I ask you, why would N.Sixx feel the need to show me a profile on a website that was being torn down? Why would he need to prove something? Easy, he wouldn't. That right there, is what she did when she was pretending to be C.J. Ramone back in 2000 when we first met. Infact, it was all like she was then, but she thinks that reading a few diary entries by him, will make her be able to act like him.

There were so many things wrong with it, that I can go for days. I asked her, demanded, and all the while she refused to admit to it. She stood her ground, and dug her heels in. So, I told her I was going to contact a guy that runs a motley site, who knows nikki. She tried to convince me it was a bad idea, and that it would cause problems. So finally, I made her come out. I told her I had saved the convo's...which I did, and still have. I told her I was going to ask this guy if it was Nikki, and if it wasn't, they would track the cunt down, and nail them. That if it wasn't him, whoever it was would get what they deserved.

She cracked.

She admitted to lying to me....again. How many times is that now? 1 billion? Yep, about that. She swore to tell me the complete truth, yet still hid this nikki bullshit. I am well beyond fed up with her, and her bullshit. She will never change. Almost 4 years after the first time she did this shit, she did it again. I thought she had grown up by now. But no. Why would that happen. She claims all the lying is because she is there. Thats bullshit. She doesn't remember, but I have caught her, and the kids, in alot of lies here.

If she lies about everything else, how can I believe she loves me when she says it? Easy, I can't.

I have alot of thinking to do. I really don't want to know her anymore. I'm just not looking forward to changing my phone number, and email addy. She is a stalker you see. She obsesses, and then gets into everything. Even gets hacking shit to hack into every acct. She gets so fucking bad, that it actually gets really scary. That's one of the reasons I stay with her. She won't let me leave. She will tell me to do what I want, but when I do, stalking mode kicks in. I will get like 6 msgs on my voice mail in 20 min. My email gets flooded. She has even gone as far as calling my mom, and getting answers from her. My mom never knows what is going on you see.

There is so much to think about. I mean, what kind of role model can she be to my son? She is in alot of ways more violent than me, and I ain't anywhere near an angel. I just hit harder. My walls are covered in posters. All the posters are covering holes in the walls. From shit she threw, her fist, the time she chased me with a baseball bat. I literally had to jump a bus to escape that one. All my doors are destroyed from me hiding behind them, and her trying to go through them to get me.

Oh ya, she got beaten by me. But how much are you supposed to take when a person stands there screaming at you at the top of their lungs for about 20 min straight. Telling you how much of a fuck up you are, and how much you care about nothing, are nothing, and so on? I personally have ear damage from it. Believe it or not, I do. Then I reached a point of swearing to myself that I wouldn't lay a hand on her. No matter what she did, I wouldn't touch her. I had done alot of damage to her in the summer of 2002. So I swore to myself I wouldn't touch her.

So, she started to touch me. Words wouldn't make me get up. I would just sit at my comp, in a chair, on the bed...and I would lip her back. But wouldn't move. That would rile her right up because she never got a reaction out of me. So, she took up choking me. Yep, in the last 6-7 fights, she grabbed my neck and choked me, or crushed my head in a headlock, or just about whatever she could. I have neck problems, and she royally fucked me. So now, I have constant neck pain....but never mind that. She found a new way to set me off.

You see, my sons dad used to hit me.....alot. And I swore that I wouldn't let anyone else do it. Jay does. So, I nail her for it. The first time she choked me, she went to the hospital to get stitches in her eyebrow. You see. She choked me, so, I threw her down, pressed her face to the mattress to restrain her to talk to her, she starts screaming like I am trying to kill her. We wrestle, and I shove her head. Her head connects with the bed frame, her eyebrow splits open. I see the blood and freak out in hysterics. She looks at me like I am on glue. Fight ended right there. But, the guilt hasn't. That was the day I swore to keep my hands to myself.

That was also the day the screaming, guilt trips, accusations, and physical shit from her end started to get really bad. My guilt makes me stop. But my stopping makes her worse because she doesn't get me on my feet. Some days she gets really volatile. Alot of the time she actually scares me. She doesn't know she does, and she is locked out of here so I can speak of it. But ya....she scares me.

Now, mix all that with all these lies, 2 other females being involved, her locking me out of everything.....I really don't think there is anything left. I have never cried as much as I do with her. I have never been so miserable. A few times I started missing my ex's. Thet beat me, cheated on me.....but they were nicer than her.

But, I stay. I am scared to stay, and scared to go. I am in a sick limbo. Unfortunately the kids get stuck in the middle of it all. At first they were scared that if we split that I would be gone. Now, they ignore us, and even if I tell Jay to fuck off and die, and to not talk to me again....they ignore it, and talk to me as usual. Thank god my relationship with the kids is separate. That removes alot of stress. They know if I walk from her, that I won't walk from them. That I will always be there. So even when we fight, they are mellow.

What do I do? What am I going to do?

I beg for honesty, and I get more lies to cover up other lies. And still I stay, and still I buy her things, and still I am supportive. And still.....I am miserable. And I have been miserable for almost a year now. The last time I felt good was right after her dad died, and even then we were fighting. Things haven't really been ok since about march 2002.

Why do I curse myself with staying? Am I afraid to be alone?

Or do I just feel that this hell is what I deserve because of my past?

I just don't know if I can do this anymore.

IVY

Quiet-Bitch!

~WTF?~ - Saturday, Mar. 25, 2017
~Relaxation~ - Tuesday, Sept. 01, 2015
~The hunt is on.~ - Tuesday, Aug. 04, 2015
~Sometimes~ - Friday, Mar. 21, 2014
~Fawk~ - Tuesday, Jan. 07, 2014