Just sitting here at 3am watching Sid & Nancy....for the 80 billionth time in my life. It's at the point where Sid is doing his first gig at Max's in NY. If you have never seen this movie before, then see it. It's me and Jay to a tee. Except I have somehow kept her and myself off drugs. Fuck man, it's crazy watching this shit. The similarities are creepy as fuck. Right down to Nancy being Sid's manager when he went solo. Fuck around.

So ya, I'm fucking wasted, and headfucked from being tired. I made food and ate at like 2am. I am just fucked. I can't stop thinking about everything in my life right now. What my future holds, the people I know, society as a whole. It took a week, but my bubble finally burst, and reality came flooding back. Sure the bitterness still isn't there, but the sensitivity is. Anything, and everything hurts me now. It's like when I lost the anger, hate, and bitterness, all my defenses went with it, and now I am open and raw. What triggered it? Jay.

Yesterday Jay attacked me, she was off on one, and tore me apart. I understand why she did it, but it hurt. It hurt fucking bad. I didn't enjoy the message she left telling me I was better off without her. It completely destroyed my bubble of happiness around me. I was gunning off of the whole marriage thing, and then she went at me. I brought it on myself though. I never stop fucking up. I don't know whats wrong with me. I just hope one day she can see me for who I am....not my useless asshole actions.

So here I sit.....watching Nancy bleed to death on a bathroom floor. Ya, thats about how it will end with us I think. All my instincts say that Jay is gonna get signed, and in a few years I am gonna get a call. The call will come while she is touring, and I'm at home. It will be a call informing me that she died of a heroin overdose. I suppose that is my biggest fear in life. Lady Heroin is my biggest competition. Some women fear the women around them. They fear the same sex. Not me, I fear the Lady. I have dreams that leave me stunned laying awake in the dark for hours. Dreams that are so vivid, that I can't deal with them at all.

I fear death. It is one of my phobias. I can remember that fear being there since I was about 4. I don't know why it started, but I would run to my mom screaming and crying that I was scared I was going to die. As much as I fear that, I fear Jay dying even more. I would rather go first then have to deal with her going without me. I just can't deal with the thought of it at all. I mean, she knows me. She is the only one who knows me, and understands how fucked I really am. She also understands that I have no one at all. She sees my friends be assholes, my mom be selfish, and my dad write me off. She knows my brother never talks to me, and that everyone that was around me at one time....well, they all got jealous of our connection, tried to split us up, and when that didn't work, they walked out of my life. It's pretty fucking sad that those types of ppl exist in this fucking world.

I just finished 2 weeks of my son being at my moms. In actuality it was like 17 days. During that time I left the house about 4 times, and left my room only to grab a drink, or go to the bathroom. I don't eat at all when I'm alone. I can't be bothered to cook, or even function. So I sit in my room, and either play on the comp, or I sleep. No big shocker there, I have no one. Geoff showed a few times, and called a few times, and I went with him like 3-4 times I think. Which is basically the times I left the house.....oh, and I threw my garbage out once. Needless to say, I just never leave, and never speak.

I got upset today. Jay has been calling when she wasn't supposed to. She feels guilty, and wants to own up to it to her mom. I understand the reality of this. She will lose all contact to me. Not only will she be without the phone, but her net will be disconnected. I will lost all contact with her. That hurt. I have been sitting and waiting every night as late as I can, just in the hopes she would show for 5 min to say hi. She never does, but still.....I hope for it, and can't sleep without contact. I need to here goodnight or I can't settle. So I have been getting no sleep. I am up all night looking, and waiting for her. Then I can't sleep in because my son is home, and I have to feed him, and sort him out. So all I do is drag my ass, and get more upset.

I'm tired of being separated. I'm tired of having no contact. I am tired of being alone here. I am tired of excuses. I am tired of delays. I am tired of living off of hope, and only hope. I'm tired of her system falling apart. and me watching it knowing I can't do a thing. Knowing I could settle it all, and calm everyone down, if only they were here. I'm tired of tears. Tired of pain. Tired of accusations. Tired of wanting what I cannot have. Tired of worries. Tired of all this fucking negativity. I just want it to be good again. I just want to sleep for a week.

Such as it is, it's my life, and it's all I have.

And Sid & Nancy......they are together in the afterlife now. Even though Nancy's mom refused Sids mom, and Sid had to be buried elsewhere. They may not be side by side in the physical form, but I know they are together spiritually. Ppl see a movie about punks. I see 2 ppl that no one understood, who understood eachother, and loved eachother no matter what. I see us.

And for those who don't know, the music on my diary is from the Sid & Nancy soundtrack.

She's my Sid, and I'm her Nancy. That's the way it will always be.

IVY

Quiet-Bitch!

~WTF?~ - Saturday, Mar. 25, 2017
~Relaxation~ - Tuesday, Sept. 01, 2015
~The hunt is on.~ - Tuesday, Aug. 04, 2015
~Sometimes~ - Friday, Mar. 21, 2014
~Fawk~ - Tuesday, Jan. 07, 2014