Well, I suppose there comes a point in everyones life, when they need to sit back, and reflect on their life.

Alot of shit has happened over the months. Alot of bad shit too. But it just doesn't matter. I hit Jay with lisa, I got her back for Joey. In my eyes we were even. Then something happened the other day.

She told me that her brother had paid for her to get a bunch of ink done. 2 crue tattoos, and she had the knuckles on both hands tattooed. I freaked, and fell apart. The ink would always be a permanent reminder to me of the hell that I have gone through in the last 3 months. It was permanently marked on her. What made it all worse is the knuckles.

When I was 16 I got disgustingly drunk, and nearly killed myself off. That night I was in and out of consciousness. I have memory flashes of being cold, someone pulling my clothes of, but not being able to stop tham. A man heavy breathing on me, and these fucking hands. His knuckles were done, and fingers had writinf on them. I don't remember what it was, in my stupor it made no sense to me. I was in and out so much. I remember hands on my, and laughing. Then I came around to screaming. There was chaos around me.

A guy was about to rape me when my friend Renee came in the room to check up on me. She freaked and kicked him out. I remember feeling myself being naked, and getting covered up. I remember my last conscious thought was to roll onto my side or I am going to die. I woke up in a pool of my own bloody puke. It was a day and a half later.

That was a scary time for me. I was 16, and living in a condemned house. My stepfather, and mom were treating me like I was worthless, so I left home for the street. My first night out, I saw a prostitute shoot up. It is still burned in my mind. Before that it was just something in movies to me. That was a rough point in my life. Especially when a 35 yr old psychotic satanist moved in the house, and the death threats started. And the animal killings started. My life became nothing but a fight to survive. Those are memories that will never leave me. They are the memories that made me cold and mean.

Now then, back on track. Jay gets these tattoos, and when I hear about the knuckles I freak. Immediate anxiety, and hysterical crying. I shocked myself with the reaction. Something snapped in me, and I was scared of her. It's fucked up. I am bigger than her, stronger than her. But now I can't be near her because she is going to rape me, touch me in my sleep. My mind just won't let it go. Ya, I have issues. Male, female, lover, or stranger. When I see tattooed hands, it's him. (after he was kicked out he came back with a rifle to kill me. Renee stopped him from doing that too) All those feelings and fears came back. It has been 11 years, but it is all still right there in my mind.

So, I freak out. I have a nervous breakdown here a few nights back, and in the middle of it, I sent off an email to Jay. I say if she loves me even in the slightest, she will have them removed. All of them. I mainly meant the new ones. The most fucked up thing happened. I mean it was not expected, and it messed my head pretty bad. She had all but the tats she got here with me removed. even her first 2. She took them all off withing hours of reading my email. She's all burnt and bandaged, and will be scarred to shit now. But she took them off. If you count the knuckles seperately, thats 12 tattoos. Never in a million years would I ever believe she would do that. It touched me so deeply, I forgot about any negativity between us. Yet again Jay had amazed me with how devoted she is.

Then I found out she was on a board as a man, and was chatting up, and flirting with chicks. I LOST IT! Withing minutes of feeling amazing it was gone. So, I did what any female in my family would do. I destroyed her. I started emailing chicks on this board, and started to send off the truth behind who she really was. I was so pissed off, I was determined to make sure she could never show her face in there again. Spite? Oh ya....lots!

She flaked. She freaked out so bad that she called me in tears. She told me that it would have been better if I had cheated on her. I told her it was just a board on the net full of assholes who don't give a shit. But no, she hated me for what I did. Well, we argued that a bit, and her reasons for doing what she did, and her gender issues came up again.

We talked and talked. I told her that I didn't care what gender she had, and why did she have to have one? Why can't we make a new one called "Jay"? I told her that if it came down to it, and she wanted to reschedule a GRS appt, I would support her in it. That I would miss alot about her being female, but in the end her happiness is all that matters. I told her that it kills me to see her so confused. That I only want what will make her happy. I even called my son up at my moms, and asked him how he would feel if Jay became a boy.

"I wouldn't think anything:"

"it wouldn't bother you?"

"No"

"You are aware that you would have to call her mommys bf"

"yeah" my mom says he grinned at that.

So that was that. She knows she has that option, and that in my family no one will care. Of course we worry about my dad.....but thats a different story in itself.

So, in the last few months alot of things have changed. I have spent so much time alone that I have thought myself in circles. I have looked back on the last 4 years of my life. Saw how life was before Jay, and after her. Looked at what life is like with her here, and when she is gone. When we are happy, and when we are trying to kill eachother. It all came down to on single solitary thought in my head.

Life would have no meaning, and be empty without her in my life.

She is the reason why I am still alive, as bad as it sounds, I always thought it was my son, but it isn't. It's her.

She is the reason I smile, the reason I can smile.

She makes the world a beautiful place to live in.

With her in my life, I feel like we can do anything, and acheive anything.

I realised it doesn't matter where she is in the world, if we are happy or fighting, if we are poor or rich, if we are joking or screaming.....life it's worth living without her. She is everything to me. Without her I would be half a person. I would be empty and miserable.

There is something about her. Something in her that makes it so I can't leave, can't stay mad, and always understand her. Oh ya she does alot of stupid things, but don't we all? She has this childlike way about her, that just makes it all ok. Life to her is simple. "It doesn't matter, so ignore it and it will go away". It drives me nuts, but I would never change it in her. I would never change anything about her. Not unless she wanted it, and it would make her happy.

I made a decision. I really made a massive decision in my life, one I never thought I would. 2 years ago I put a diamond on her finger. I asked her to marry me. I have decided that those weren't just words spoken. And last night I spent 2 hours on an email. I told her alot of things I love about her, how she makes me feel, and how much I need and want her in my life. I have asked her to take a trip with me to B.C. and legally marry me. I am not sure if she knows yet, but I emailed her mom, told her mom how I feel about her daughter, and asked for her blessing. I actually asked her mom if I could marry her daughter. I explained that life isn't worth living without her in my life. I'm sure when she reads it she will have a hayday telling Jays brother and sister, and the neighbours, and her friends. lol But I want it to be a big deal. Jay deserves to be happy, and the world needs to know someone wants her.

I woke upto an email saying that she wouldn't hesitate to legally marry me. That made me relax a bit, I was a mess writing those emails. Shaking like a leaf, crying, just all over the place I was. Hell ya I'm nervous! But it won't be for a bit. We need her here, and the money to go there for sonme time. Plus we need to pick a date, arrange the trip, and see about having a few people be there to witness it. I like the idea of just having a reception here. But I don't like the idea of having to have my father face this. I think he lives his life trying to forget that Jay is female. lol

But those are things we will take in our stride.

Yes, I do believe in love at first site. The first time I spoke to Jay online, I started to stalk her. I actually got grumpy because I added her to my yahoo buddy list, and she didn't add me. It took her a week to add me, I was determined. lol

I guess I still am.

When this is done, it is done. I'll never divorce her, and she will never divorce me, so it will literally be until we kick it. But we can never leave, and no matter what, we will both know that the other is all we need, and all ours. We can be all possessive. lol

Ahhh......yep. There you go.

Almost 4 years, and I don't want it to end. I turn 28 soon, and I know what I want in my life. Her.

Oh, and yes of course the kids. I couldn't live without them, as they can't without me. And those kids even show patience with me. I freakout, and they don't care. They just ignore me, or give me shit. lol

Ya, this is what I want. More than anything in the world.

There is no me without her.

It took three months of hell to see it all. Man are we fucked in the head! LMAO!

IVY

Quiet-Bitch!

~WTF?~ - Saturday, Mar. 25, 2017
~Relaxation~ - Tuesday, Sept. 01, 2015
~The hunt is on.~ - Tuesday, Aug. 04, 2015
~Sometimes~ - Friday, Mar. 21, 2014
~Fawk~ - Tuesday, Jan. 07, 2014