Holy fuck am I messed!

I spent the morning screaming, crying and freaking, the afternoon sleeping, and all evening I have been stoned out of my skull, and now I am numb and fuzzy.

The fun part is I get to repeat it all over again tomorrow.

Yep, welcome to my world on Prozac. Within minutes of popping the magic pill anxiety sets in, and you really don't notice much, then your head starts to get funny. Then you turn psycho like it's PMS times a billion.

I told Jay off today. I completely freaked on her head. She had done an update and in it told the story of her ex rubbing her bloody cunt on Jays face because Jay was to high to eat her out, and didn't want to because the bitch was on her rag. Well, ever since reading that, all I can see is dried blood on Jays face, and visions on a bitch grinding Jays face. The thought of kissing her now makes me ill, and I don't want her near me.

I know it's in her past, but I didn't need to read that shit, and I didn't need the visuals in my head thanks. I just can't handle it.

She has been gone for over 3 months now. When she left she promised me 2 weeks. In that 3 months, I discovered she was chatting with a girl named Joey. That being a girl who is a dyke always on the hunt for sex. She lives about an hours drive from Jay, and had been flirting with Jay for months. That cut through me like a fucking knife. I am not over it, and I don't think I ever will be. Then I discovered a girl named viki sending emails full of sexual content to one of Jays email addys....That cut through me so deep it made me ill. But I swallowed it too...it was JC doing it, but it didn't stop the pain at all...hell, I still hurt from Joey. That never stopped, it still rips through me now.

You see, with Jay being multiple, and her lack of trust, the way she responded to me, and started to seriously obsess over me, well....all my exs have cheated, I was actually able to be comfortable with her, and feel secure with her. But now I can't. Now there are memories of Joey, and viki, and now visions of her and this Paula cunt. Past or not, I feel sick from it, and have cried for days.

The shit with Joey and Viki is why I chose to get Prozac from my shrink. I was scared to take the pills, as they fuck me up bad for 2 months, then make me physically ill once they mentally adjust. Well, I was so fucking bad today, that my first thought of the day was "I need my Prozac!". I went straight for it. I am so fucked over this shit, that I am living for taking prozac, and eating ativan like it's candy. I am happily working on self medicating myself into oblivion.

I had a major freakout last night. You see my dad gave me a police issue knife last night. It's a $180 knife that has basically never been used for anything. The blade is serrated, and literally razor sharp. Tapping it on flesh cuts. Well, I was sitting here, and all I could think of, is exactly how much damage I could do to myself. Well, I sat with the knife last night for about 3 hours freaking and crying. I wanted to cut so bad, but I couldn't because my dad gave me the knife out of love. Which gave me guilt, that made me hate myself more......the cycle went until I fell asleep.

These are kinda the reasons I haven't been around. I haven't felt like updating, I don't know why I did this tonight. I suppose I just needed to talk when no one is around. I have to live in a fucking bubble here. My mom is too preoccupied with her fucking dreams of owning her own place again. It's all she cares about. If I try to talk to her, she cuts me off to tell me about something she wants to do to the kitchen when she gets the place. Her financing hasn't even been approved, and one place already denied her financing. So ya...no mom.

Then there is my dad, he leaves on tuesday for 20 days in the US. He is off to Sturgis, then to see a cousin in Colorado, then to meet up with my stepmom in Idaho. I don't want to tell him anything negative. I don't want to ruin his vacation by making him worry about me. So I am keeping my mouth shut.

Geoff is obsessed with finding himself a woman, and only cares about that. All my other friends ditched me because of Jay, and I sure as hell ain't gonna talk to my 7 yr old. My shrink is on vacation, and I see him next on the 20th, so I don't even have that outlet.

To sum it all up, I have zero support system, and haven't had one for 3 months. I have been going it alone for a long time. In a way, I have been on my own for alot more than that. I mean even when Jay is here, I cxan't be upset, because the minute I need her, she freaks and needs me, so I have to swallow it all, and concentrate on her, or she starts screaming at me, and threatening to kill herself. Then after says I am full of shit when I told her what she did, and said.

Fuck, I give up.

The one person I thought I could trust more than anyone in the world...well, I can't trust her anymore. I probably never will. I mean twice now she has almost started to gain a bit of trust, then she does something to make me feel like a fucking idiot for ever believing I could trust her again.

I dunno, maybe I am overreacting to it all, but it has cut me deep. Everyone cheats on me. No one wants me for me. Now with my MS, no one will ever want me for me. No one wants a relationship that has zero sex in it. My MS prevents me from having sex. You see nerve damage has left me numb from the waist down. I can crave all I want, but I can never get any relief. Fuck! and people wonder why I want to eat a bullet all the time.

Well, thats enough of my whining. I'm gonna go pop pills, and get stupid.

IVY

Quiet-Bitch!

~WTF?~ - Saturday, Mar. 25, 2017
~Relaxation~ - Tuesday, Sept. 01, 2015
~The hunt is on.~ - Tuesday, Aug. 04, 2015
~Sometimes~ - Friday, Mar. 21, 2014
~Fawk~ - Tuesday, Jan. 07, 2014