Well, today had to be a rough day.....yep, it sure as hell couldn't be easy could it.

I was leaving Jay. I was starting to delete every trace of me. But, I was stopped. It all came to a screeching halt. Literally.

You see, Jay shot up today. Not heroin, coke. She apparently was upset and lonely because of not being with me. Ya, like coke can replace me. HA!

Well, she shot up alright, and immediately felt an OD. Stupid cunt. After being clean for almost 4 years, ya, your body can't handle fuck all. Why the fuck do you think Dee Dee OD'd, it's called shooting up after being clean for 8 years. Your body is so fucking squeaky, that it shuts down instantly. Now I told her this, but the idiot had to find out for herself.

So as she comes around covered in her own vomit, and all fucked up, reality hits here....that Hollis has been hitting her.....with a baseball bat. You see hols cut the coke with baby powder to teach her a lesson, and a good lesson it was. So good it almost killed her. Then he decided putting her into shock by beating her with a bat would bring her out of it....which it did. She kindly puked on his shoes in thanks.

To sum it up, they fought, he went to hospital with a severed artery in his arm, and she stumbled home, kissed my pics, and cried, and cried, and cried. No Jay, drugs can't replace love. They will never give you what they did in your teens. Now you have touched on something that out does any drug.

Jay never felt the coke. Her body rejected it so fast it never hit her at all. She had no buzz, no joy. But she did get the living shit scared out of her, and a damn good beating that may have given her a broken rib.

Do I seem calm?

Thats because I am calm.

You see, Jay built a little trust in me tonight. Yes, even after all that shit, and all the bullshit of "never trust a junkie". She built trust. How? She was honest about what happened. Why didn't I leave? Because of the honesty.

Let me explain.

I am a brutally honest person, and I expect that in return from people. Most people get blown off by me because they are fake, and have hidden agendas....and you all know who you are. At any rate. My past ex's have been lying whores. They were weaving lies so thick that they lost track of them and ended up tripping up. When I caught them out, shit got abusive on both sides. I expect honesty. If you are looking at others, I want to know. If you are bothered by something, I want to know. I need to know the truth behind what is going on around me.

Now with Jay, our relationship was based on lies she told. She was 4 diff people in a 6 month time period. I was with her for 5 months before I knew she was female. Gotta love the net. Hence my comments about being gullible. Well, for the last 3 and a half years I have been telling her to tell me the truth. That truth fixes everything. That I am a simple person, that as long as I know what is going on, I am relaxed. Tonight the reality of that statement hit her square in the chops.

She told me, I asked her if it was worth it, she said no. Simple. We talked about it, she told me she expected me to go. I said "why? All I wanted was the truth". I think I dumbfounded her completely. I spent my life being lied to. If you show me the respect of telling me the truth, I will show you the respect of listening to your explanation, calmly, and with sincerity. Not too hard to figure out, but you would be amazed by how many people, Jay included, that find it impossible to tell the truth.

Jay almost died today, she knows it, she felt it, it scared her straight. She has a hard time speaking of drugs now. It really scared her. Am I upset? Not now, she is breathing...although painfully at the moment, and she is quite subdued now. Guilt tends to calm a person down. Don't get me wrong, I lost my fucking mind earlier when I found out. Holy shit did I lose it. I nearly threw up on my comp, I had to force myself to swallow. And I cried. Fuck did I cry. Then she told me the guilt was too much, and she was going to kill herself. That she was doing a diary entry, then she was going to swallow a shitload of pills, and go "sleepies". So I gently reminded her of our deal. "You go, I go". I put her on the spot, and she backed down. We talked for hours. By the time she went to bed, she was calm, and I hope somewhat happy.

Now some people probably don't understand why I didn't freak and leave. Well, you can ask Sharon Osbourne why she never left Ozzy, and he tried to kill her on several occasions on every substance in the book. It's easy. I knew Jay was fucked up when I made the choice to be with her. When she came clean with every lie she told, I listened because she was showing me the respect of telling me the truth. I heard her explanations behind them, and I understood. I don't let anger get in the way of listening to reality. I get angry when I know they are lying, and they won't own up to it.

Well, like I was saying. I knew she was fucked. She came out of detox on Dec.12th 1999. I met her on about the 12-14th of Jan.2000. I have seen her relapse in feb to teach connor a lesson, and on March 4th 2000 because debs smoked a joint with her that was laced with heroin. Yet again, debs strikes. Today it was coke laced with baby powder. Yet a few weeks ago, it was scotty and fucking pcp in Jays coke....the drink. She is a target in the UK. Always has been. People just hate her, and want to fuck her over. Thats why I insist she stay with me in Canada.

Now when you get into a relationship knowing the person is a walking psychiatry textbook, and a drug addict.....well, you can't pretend to be shocked by their behavior, or get mad at them for doing what they do. And I can't get mad at her. She had alot of natural consequences tonight. Almost dying, coming to covered in her own vomit...a fear of hers, the guilt, the pain of a baseball bat. Yes, there was alot of shit she experienced tonight. Personally I don't think my anger would do much other than bring her to suicide, and as much as I wish death on alot of people, I don't wish it on her. Words are said in anger. But they are just that....angry words. She learned a valuable lesson, do the shit, and you won't get escape, you will get death. But I provide escape. Imagine that.

OI! YOU STUPID BITCH! WHY THE FUCK DO YOU THINK YOU SAID I REPLACED HEROIN IN THE FIRST PLACE????? SHEESH!

So ya, she comes clean, I talk to her, she gets confused by my lack of screaming. BANG! Reality hits her like a truck doin' 100. "If I tell the truth, she doesn't get mad". Duh!

Then I get the "Why the fuck didn't I just tell the truth from the fucking start?" Umm I dunno Jay......why didn't you? *blink*

So ya, someone I love almost died tonight of an OD. But the toxins of baby powder saved her life by making her spew red white and blue on Hollis' shoe. She is shaken up, but she got a good dose of reality, and a fresh look on life, and me.

I'm a simple person to figure out. All I ask, is for the truth.

Something tells me I am not going to have to ask for it anymore. I get the feeling that I will just hear it. "but I need to string you along or you will leave". No Jay. Thats what makes me leave. If I know the truth, I understand what is going on, and I relax, and accept it.

Simplicity seems to be the most complex thing to understand.

It's too bad it took this to show her who I really am after 3 and a half years of knowing me. Until now, she saw me for who she thought I was.

Think of all the wasted time.

IVY

Quiet-Bitch!

~WTF?~ - Saturday, Mar. 25, 2017
~Relaxation~ - Tuesday, Sept. 01, 2015
~The hunt is on.~ - Tuesday, Aug. 04, 2015
~Sometimes~ - Friday, Mar. 21, 2014
~Fawk~ - Tuesday, Jan. 07, 2014