Where the fuck do I even begin????

Okay, had a semi decent chat with Jay for a change, that was nice, then I cut it very abruptly short. Geoff called up and said "I'll be there in 20, be watching for me" Okay then. So I got off the comp, got ready, and went downstairs. Checked my mail, and found a package from Jay. (Yes Jay, it came by boat, and you sent your set of pix to me, not mine. I don't write on my pix, it pisses me off. One set was written all over by you) When I was just about to open up the package Geoff came screeching around the corner, and revving his engine he screeched to a halt right before hitting me. I jumped in the car, and off we went.

We hit McDick's, and got the almighty cheeseburgers(10 of them actually, and they were extrodinarily yummy tonight too), and a 20 pack of nuggets, and off we sped. We went to the wee book inn, and I bought 3 hustlers. I have decided to start building my collection. Geoff went after the nazi books, and movies. When we were done there, we just started driving. We ended up north of the city on the highway, which turned into going east to fucking Gibbons???? Yep, we went and saw his mom. Arrived there at almost 10pm, got her out of bed, and pissed her right off. That was funny. Then Geoff went looking for a guy he used to work with who lived out there. Called buddys house, buddy is in edmonton. Well fuck!

We head to the bar buddy is supposed to be in, can't find him. Off to geoff's place.....call buddys place in gibbons for buddys cell number. Call buddy, he is in the place we were just at...but in the back. Geoff tells him to watch the door cause we are coming. Off we go again. Then we get to the lounge he is in......oh boy.

This guy, and his entire table are shitfaced. Now I hate drunk ppl at the best of times. But we got in there to some big guy going on about how he called on 5 chinese guys and they just drove off. This guy wants to get into a fight in the worst way. yay.

Well, we sit down. Some old broad pulls a chair up for me and introduces herself as Nadia. She is pissed out of her skull, from some russian type village originally (cue accent), and starts talking my ear off. Geoff and his buddy are joking around, and start calling people on buddys cell. They get ahold of another guy they used to work with. They talk him into coming down. No biggie.

About this time, Nadia is telling me I am not as weird as her daughter, so her daughter is more original than me. Geez, thanks. Do I look like I care? Her daughter is Goth, I am NOT! Nor do I want to be thank you! *sigh*

So then this Nadia woman starts telling me I am too yound to be in the lounge. I tell her I turn 28 in 4 months, she calls me a liar, and starts going on about how Geoff looks like a professor, and how he has to be 38. (cue Jay laughing at this). Mental note....Nadia has like a russian accent, but her husband is from Africa, and is black as night, with a thick accent himself. Geoff is Racist as all fuck, and making rude comments with his friends that are funny as fuck all this time.,...

No Geoff is now 38, and I am 19. Ya ok???? This woman is starting to really ride my nerves here. Then she starts in on the whole "He is older than you, don't be fooled by him. Why are you with an older man?" (cue Jay laughing even harder) Geoff has been my best friend for 19 years. I told her he was my best friend, he said "I'm her fucking brother". She refused to believe it. I said there was no possible way I would ever be with him. She kept going on about how I should be with someone my own age. Now some ppl would take this as a compliment, I was getting pissed.

I decide I will back her off, and shut her up in one foul swoop. "There is no possible way anything would ever go on between him and I....I am a lesbian". Sounded good huh? What does she say? "Oh, I am too. I bring them home for my husband. I love women. The touching, the kissing. I love women".

Okay....did anyone hear the brakes squeal on that one? Good then.

So, I am getting scared now. She is going on and on about how she wants a woman for her, but they all go to her husband. I say "you should never share what is yours". She agrees and goes on about it for like 15 min.

I am now tugging at geoff mouthing "help" he is laughing at me.

Then the drunks start to cheer for canada day...that was like 4 days ago mind you. Geoff makes a crack that he is american...he wishes. But a drunk guy thinks he is serious. Well shit, then it all starts up. Which country is better. The guys start to argue.

I get fed up. I scream "Everybody shut the fuck up! We are bigger than them, and on top! If this was prison, they would be our bitch!!!"

That got me cheers, and high fives. Then they all toast to canada. I am forced to get up for the toast. My legs are bad, it is hard for me to stand up, but Nadia is practically dislocating my arm trying to get me standing. We toast, I collapse in my chair. (I really hate drunks...did I mention that?"

So now, for the last 45 min or so, this Nadia has been trying to buy me a drink. First she argued with me because I don't drink alcohol. Then she kept trying to buy me orange juice???? wtf?? Or pop, or anything at all. I just kept saying "no thanks. I'm fine".

A song kicks in, and the girls at the table start dancing. Nadia starts clapping her hands, and wraps her arm around my shoulders, and grabs my arm with her other hand, and starts to rock me back and forth, trying to dance with me.

At this point in time I have a death grip on geoff, and am begging him and his sober friend to help me. They are both sitting there laughing at me. (just like Ian at Bif in 1998...why do they laugh when I am being attacked by a woman?)

So there I was, being pushed and pulled by a drunk woman, and getting scared. The big guy who was trying to get into a fight comes over and sits across me. He announces that I am the coolest one there, and I am so shy because I am sitting there all quiet. (try I am ready to take a few swings with a chair, and knock out what teeth they have left) The group were talking of moving across the street to a western bar. He wanted me to go. "Walking in with someone like you....I am sure to get into a fight".

Umm...sure...thanks. I think?

I told him I would rather have my nipples chewed off by rats. He looked taken back by that comment. I was happy. Of course I have to piss really bad, but am scared that this Nadia chick will follow if I go. Finally the group gets up to go across the street. Geoff stands guard, while I take a piss....that one was better than sex I might add. We say by, and we go.

Now at this point in time, I can guarantee that Jay is in a jealous rage from reading that. Here is the clincher of the story.......

NADIA IS 50!

I had a woman as old as my mom, who swore I was 19, hitting on me. And trying to hug me. Might I kindly say in the sweetest possible way....

FUCKING EWWWWWWWWWWW!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Geoff of course is picking on me saying I am cougar hunting. I keep telling him I am not on fucking safari thanks, and that now I have to scrub myself raw with bleach to get any traces of her off of me.

But still...the cougar jokes continue. *sigh*

I am fucked now.

We drove around a bit more, then came back to my place. We chatted a bit, and he went home. Now here I am. Feeling dirty and gross.

"AHA You went cougar hunting!"

"Fuck off man, I don't do grandma.....she don't need a face lift...she needs a fucking cunt lift. There are so many fucking wrinkles, you can't find the hole."

The comments were going until he disappeared down the apt bldg stairs. I am gonna hear even more tomorrow.

Why the fuck me?

You see? THIS SHIT is why I never go anywhere.

First I am not weird enough,

Then I am the coolest one there,

Then I have grandma stalin hitting on me.

Do I really need this shit?

This 50 yr old broad Nadia was asking me how she could find a woman for herself, that won't want her husband. I told her she was in the wrong bar.

Fuck, she even told me how many thousand she made a month with her salon she owns. Don't get excited...it isn't alot.

Fuck that is evil man. She told me her perfectly weird daughter is 28. That just made it even more wrong.

And geoff will never let me live it down.

Cougar hunting. hmph! If I had a shotgun, I would have shot her alright.

I need a shower, I feel gross.

nite

IVY

Quiet-Bitch!

~WTF?~ - Saturday, Mar. 25, 2017
~Relaxation~ - Tuesday, Sept. 01, 2015
~The hunt is on.~ - Tuesday, Aug. 04, 2015
~Sometimes~ - Friday, Mar. 21, 2014
~Fawk~ - Tuesday, Jan. 07, 2014