Well, wasn't today lovely for me. Tired, sick with my MS, full of PMS, and my fears were as usual running rampant. Yay.

So, Jay called up my shrink this morning and laid into him about me. The last appt. I had with him, she came in. Right when I was in the middle of saying something to him, he cut me off, then sent me on my way. I left there feeling like a piece of shit, and not wanting to return. I was upset, Jay got pissed. So she called him today, as he sees me tomorrow.....well, I'll get into that in a bit.

She called him up and basicallly gave him shit for how I was treated. She let him know exactly how I felt, and he gave his excuses to her.

Now I am one of those people.....oddly sensitive in certain situations. I may not seem it on here, but I am. If I feel the urge to open up, and actually talk about something, then I need to be listened to. The first sign of someone showing lack of interest, or attention....BANG! I slam the door, and refuse to talk about it again, or to even open up. I don't want to force someone to listen to my bullshit, so I don't. Either they show interest, or I stop, and either close up completely, or change the subject.

Now picture my reaction to my fucking SHRINK showing that lack of consideration. Ya ok.....can we say 15 billion steps back? I think so. I wrote a bunch of shit up in here about my past. Really bad shit that tears me apart mentally. I printed it off, and gave it to him.

He said nothing. Didn't even acknowledge that I had done it.

So now what? He told Jay that he wants me to write more shit out. Ya ok! Like thats gonna happen. I was looking for a way to start talking about what I wrote about. I needed to be asked questions about it. To be prompted to talk. I got nothing. It has all brought me to two conclusions.......1) Those sheets of paper framed and on his wall mean nothing. I've done more for Jay in 2 weeks, than this guy could do in 2 years. 2) I might as well face it, I'm gonna be fucked up forever. I am beyond help.

I remember when I was 13 I approached my mom and said "I think I need to see a shrink". She replied with "There is nothing wrong with you, now go. I am trying to watch t.v.". That was that! There was nothing wrong with me because my mom said so. But I ask this.....if there was nothing wrong with me, then how come I would sit on a bus, look at someone, and know exactly how I would torture, mutilate, and kill them? I knew how not to get caught, and I dreamed of the screams and blood as if it was a drug. Is that normal? I scared myself! But no...I was fine.

Maybe that was puberty? Maybe it was normal teenage angst? Maybe it was too many horror movies, or leftovers from being raped at 12? I don't quite know. But it was there.....it was always there. I guess I grew up seeing myself as a bad person. My dad says that I am always trying to save the world because I try to help everyone, and look after everyone. Is it over compensating for my own personal view of myself? My mom always told me that I was selfish, and never thought of anyone but myself. Now I can't even buy myself anything. Jay yells at me. I have wanted to buy OLP's "Gravity" for months it seems. I have had the money several times. But I just watch myself say "We can't afford it, I'll get it when we can". I have been dying to get Stone Sour's CD....it was $15.99. I said "I can't afford to get it right now". Then I went into the Motley Crue section, and I bought Candi "dr.feelgood" for $20.99. I just can't spend anything on myself. I wear clothes full of holes. Alot of my stuff doesn't fit, or is falling apart. The last thing I bought myself clothing wise was a pair of pants that were $5 at wally world. Before that, Jay bought me a shirt in 2001. But Satan has tons of new clothes, and I even spent $70 on an Elvis bowling shirt for Jay. Why am I so unable to do anything for myself. I feel guilt over getting Reiki. My health depends on it, so thats the only reason I can spend that $50 on myself. But still....there are so many other things that the money would be better suited to go on. Maybe hearing how selfish I am, made me incapable of being so. I dunno.

Jay freaks on me about it alot. She gets frustrated, and yells at me for it. She wants me to get stuff, but I won't. The only time I get anything, is if she hides money from me, and goes out and buys me something. Even then, half the time she doesn't know what I want because I won't ask, and I stopped mentioning things because she will get them for me. Hell, right now I want to delete the mentioning of those CDs because I feel like I am being greedy, and whiny about it.

Maybe this entire entry is just me whining. Some days I wonder if there is anyone out there, and if anyone cares.

I have Jay, my son, and my kids. In a world of billions of people I still feel alone sometimes.

What the fuck am I gonna do when Jay is back in the UK in a few weeks, and Satan goes to grandmas for the weekend? Then I will have no one.

Somedays I already feel like I don't have anyone anymore.

WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?

Yes Dr. I have suicidal idealations again. Now what? More pills, to trigger more side effects, to trigger more fears, to trigger more suicidal thoughts?

Fuck it!

I want a Dr.Pepper, and some Oreo ice cream. Is that too much to ask?

IVY

Quiet-Bitch!

~WTF?~ - Saturday, Mar. 25, 2017
~Relaxation~ - Tuesday, Sept. 01, 2015
~The hunt is on.~ - Tuesday, Aug. 04, 2015
~Sometimes~ - Friday, Mar. 21, 2014
~Fawk~ - Tuesday, Jan. 07, 2014