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~I'm in hell!~ Wednesday, Jan. 29, 2003 - 11:16 PM Well, I'm off to the shrink tomorrow. YAY!!!!! Other than that, life has me annoyed, and I just want to get to the weekend. I'm having serious sexual problems right now, and man am I pissed off. I have a gf who touches me, and gets me all worked up, then falls asleep. Or I do the same to her and fall asleep. Or we are just too tired, or it is a bad time cuz Satan is up. Then there are the kids popping out just as I am showing interest. *sigh* It's not like it matters anyway. I am cursed. How you may ask? Easy, I have Multiple Sclerosis. Do to this, I have some nerve damage in my spinal cord. This damage causes me to lose all feeling from about mid back down. I feel like I am walking on stumps. Try taking a piss, and not feeling it at all. Or wiping afterwards, and not feeling it. Total complete numbness. Basically to sum it I am better off dead. Where I used to relax with sex, now I can never do a god damn thing. There is about 3 days out of every 2-4 months that I can feel. Every time I go numb it is for a longer period of time. The damage is forever getting worse. I laid in bed crying a few nights ago because I realised that the time will come when I am completely unable to have sex. When that happens, I don't want to live. Jay is screaming at me. She read part of the beginning of this update, and thinks I am shitting on her for me not getting any. She is making me want to leave and never return. I can't live like this. I can't deal with any of it. She is bitching at me that I turn her on, then leave her high and dry. She is bitching at me about the last time she came. I can't feel anything. I am dead from the waist down, and alot of the time if sex comes up.....I just wish I was dead. But instead I am selfish. I'm an asshole. I am anything, and everything that she can use against me. And all of it rolls off me. I can't feel anything sexually. I can always feel turned on inside, but outside I am dead. Apparently that is my fault. Fuck this! I wanna cut. Maybe I'll feel that.....maybe if I go deep enough. And you think you have problems. I am in my own personal hell. IVY ~WTF?~ - Saturday, Mar. 25, 2017 |
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