Have you ever been pushed?

Pushed so hard and so far that you snap?

Been screamed at?

Threatened?

Called down?

Blamed?

Last night I was told why I am such a fucking loser. I was told what was wrong with me. I was told that I killed her dad.....that he was so stressed out by my emails the week leading upto his death, that he died because of me. I had everything under the sun thrown at me. I sat, I tried to ignore, but it bit me, and it bit me hard. So I let loose.

I fucking blew up, and I tore her to shreds. I kept my hands to myself. I was very proud of that. Today I am the one with the sore head and neck, and the bruises. She grabs me, and squeezes be so that she doesn't hit me. But she crushes my head, and yanks it back. I almost wish she would hit me. Bruises heal after a week or so, the neck pain and headaches she causes me....well, they last alot longer, and really fuck me up.

But I am proud for not getting violent. My scottish blood makes my temper quite short. I had it mostly under control. Until she started to throw alot of shit about my dad at me. Until she started to make low blows. That hurt, and it hurt bad. I wanted to hurt her back...so I did.

I pulled out all of the stops. I hit her with everything I knew about her. I hit her with him. I'm not proud of that. I just sort of stepped back, and watched myself attack her with the words.

When it was over, I started to cut, but was interrupted. It was just enough to break me out of the tears though. I needed reality. I needed a grip. I needed to stop. So much got so fucked up so fucking fast.

I emailed her mom in the morning to ask her what was up because her daughter was feeling forgotten. He mom called and bitched her out. She in turn had a go at me, and started the "you killed my dad". How can I respond to that? On one hand, I did get along with him at one point, but at the same time I hate him for what he did. So I kept quiet. But when she kept saying it....I started to say "I'm fucking glad I did."

She has been treating him like he is a saint. I was told about a dozen times that I was going to go to Hell for what I did. All I said was "then I will see him there, and will finish the job of torturing that baby raping disgusting fuck". *sigh*

I can't take this shit anymore.

All that I have in my head lately, is everything she has said to me. She tore me to shreds last night. She hurt me really bad. I didn't show it, as I learned when I was 16 how not to look weak. The months in that condemned house taught me alot. I slip into that frame of mind when I am pushed. I go quiet, then the words start to come. Words that are so evil, they can induce the suicide of whoever I say them to. Many a person has cried because of me. But still....I get pushed, and the words come again.

She told me last night, that my actions have created alters. That I am the cause of some.

After knowing that.....how can I stay with her? How can I help her? How can I live with myself?

I can't.

IVY

Quiet-Bitch!

~WTF?~ - Saturday, Mar. 25, 2017
~Relaxation~ - Tuesday, Sept. 01, 2015
~The hunt is on.~ - Tuesday, Aug. 04, 2015
~Sometimes~ - Friday, Mar. 21, 2014
~Fawk~ - Tuesday, Jan. 07, 2014