I hate this continuous cycle in my head.

Fear

Anxiety

Indigestion

Dizziness

Fatigue

Yay. Why the fuck me?

As I sit here, the kids are in a bath. I just put them in a huge bubble bath. I gave them little growing capsules that have sponge farm animals in them. I threw 12 in there. Today is Wallys B-day, so I put in one capsule for every month he has been alive. They are all excited by it.

So, as I sit here in my own personal hell, I reflect on what once was for Jay. The reason those kids are here in the first place. It makes me feel good that I can bring 5 min of happiness into their lives. After all the hell, I can show them what it means to live without fear. Now our biggest problem...other than me stopping them from going back to see bad mummy.....id Tawwy getting anal about chores not being done.

Things have changed so much in the last year. Jay turned to me one day, and said that she couldn't be without the kids. That she had decided that she didn't want to be whole, that she needed them, and enjoyed having them around. Well, after she said that, everything changed. Now there is a permanence about things. Alter World is being built up into some amazing city. The kids have started school there. Jay does the odd bit of laundry for them, looks after them for me, and buys them stuff for me. It's like she helps me out by doing what I can't.

But, it's is odd at times. I have seen hundreds come and go. Hell, I am still fighting with Toots, and putting him in when he tries taking over. Not that it lasts....he pops back out when he is bored of being with his friends inside. I just watch them come and go, and try to help them while they are here with us. I fight with it though. We have to keep the numbers low, but there are so many kids that I would love to still have around. There were alot of alters that I really got on with. I suppose it's like looking back on school days, and wishing you could be back there. But, I don't dare open any gates by asking for anyone.....it causes too much damage, and I personally don't feel like having a fight with Jay. Oddly enough, the numbers need to be kept low, or she gets agitated, and we fight like there is no tomorrow.

I think I spend too much time dwelling on the past. I just have tons of anxiety. I finally broke through with my dad. He is starting to realise that I am infact sick, and that it isn't laziness. I sent him an email, and told him exactly what was going on in my head, and he said it made him smile, then cry. Well, it's nice to know that he isn't being cold to me. But at the same time, I am intimidated by it all. How long will it be this time before he writes me off again? Things are a bit different this time though. Rather than being happy because he approves of something about me, I wanted to cry. I just don't feel the connection anymore. Why couldn't he just love me for me? Why does he always have to tear me apart? I don't want to see him for fear of him destroying me again.....but he is planning on coming here next week to give me a new comp. My dinosaur here will be going to my mom. That way she can go online again, and will chat with me on AIM like she used to. It will be the first time I have seen my dad since Aug.2002. I think I want to go out. Maybe JAy can deal with him. I'm scared to see him. No.....I'm terrified actually. I can't wait to see my shrink next week. I feel like I am gonna have another breakdown soon. I just can't deal with shit anymore. This shit with my dad being nice, is fucking with my head really bad. It's interesting how suicidal he can make me......then again, lately anything has been giving me suicidal idealations. I hate it.

Fuck

I can't even update anymore. All this shit has fucked my head even worse. I just want to scream, cry, and put my head through a plate glass window in the hopes that a big shard falls down on me and decapitates me.

I give up.

fuck it.

IVY

Quiet-Bitch!

~WTF?~ - Saturday, Mar. 25, 2017
~Relaxation~ - Tuesday, Sept. 01, 2015
~The hunt is on.~ - Tuesday, Aug. 04, 2015
~Sometimes~ - Friday, Mar. 21, 2014
~Fawk~ - Tuesday, Jan. 07, 2014