Have you ever found yourself compelled to ask why?

I mean seriously ask why. Why this? Why now? Why me?

No, this isn't some pitiful whiny trip of self indulgence. It might look it to you, but I seriously need to ask why. I really don't understand much of what is going on in me.

Why do my legs keep giving out on me? I can walk, and do stuff. then suddenly I am on the floor and can't get up because my legs don't work. Or I'm walking dow a flight of stairs and I have to sit down before I fall down them because my legs gave out. Ya I know....my neurologist found nerve damage in my right leg, but why did it have to happen? and if I am supposed to feel numb from the damage, why do they ache like the are cramped up always. Why? cuz I don't understand.

Another why? Why do I always feel ill? Where the hell did that come from. I have a severe phobia, and yet I live it every day. Why?

The biggest why of all......why did my number get pulled out of the hat? Why am I the one to get MS? Why out of all these family members, am I the one who has to try to maintain a normal life, when normal is the opposite of how I feel?

Why don't people understand? Why do people write me off for the way I look? Goddess! How many doctors have told me that they didn't believe that I had it, and thought I was in the ER looking for narcotics to feed a drug addiction. Why are other people believed, yet I need to carry a fucking note from my neurologist that says I was MRI confirmed for having MS? Why do my family members shrug it off? Why do I always get lied to? Why do I have to listen to everyone say "it'll be ok".

I have Multiple Sclerosis. My immune system is eating the myelin sheath that coats my nerves, and the white matter of my brain. My eyes are fucked, my hearing is fucked. Lately I get confused easily, and get yelled at for not understanding. I can't see much, my eyes shake, my right leg shakes.

Here's a news flash. It won't be ok. I am a fraction of the person I used to be, and it has only been 2 and a half years. I have the sheer pleasure of watching my body deteriorate before my eyes. To mentally be who I was, but physically be an invalid.

I wish I had cancer. Cancer is good, you know that there is an end to it. You can say "I know what is going to happen to me". You know when it will be over. With this shit, you just watch yourself get worse and worse.

Lately my hands have started to shake. My arms are getting weak. I don't understand this. Why? I feel them giving out on me, yet there is nothing I can do about it, except try to hide it.

I hide it all, I have no choice. I have Jay to look after, Satan to raise, and the kids....well they need me, they always need me so I have to look after them. I need to try to rewrite the past. and take away their demons.

But, I am scared. I never leave the house because my legs give out, and if I fall I can't get up. Do you know what iot is like to wet yourself because the nerve message to the sphincter in your bladder is cut by damage? I do. It's only happened 3 times...but FUCK! Incontinence at 25? 26? 27? I hate it. I ;ooked forward to pissing on peoples shoes in my 60's and blaming it on old age. But right now? I feel like I am 60 or 70 years old. I hate it. I can't do anything about it.

Right now Jay is screaming at me. She needs me, and I am not there for her. This was 5 minutes I wanted to myself, to aknowledge my demons, and to try to get them out. Yet all I feel is guilt now over how much I apparently "don't give a shit" about her.

Can't she see I'm crashing?

Can she see my tears?

I think the river of snot running down my face might point to something. But I'm a cunt because I'm not there for her right now because she is triggering from watching the ring last night. It was her choice to watch it. She knew she would trigger bad. She could have stopped it before she started. I can't stop this. I'm going to deteriorate for the rest of my life. I need this time for me. It is always Jay in this house, and I but me on the back burner, but now I need it to be me. But she just keeps screaming at me that I am full of shit, and I don't care. Because I am not dropping my own pain to baby her. I need time for me! But she just keeps coming in here and screaming at me. Reason 12,384,900.98 of why I should off myself....this one....no one but Satan would care. So fucking what if I want to be selfish for a few moments! Is that a crime? The death of my physical strength is killing me mentally and emotionally.

And people wonder why I have suicidal thoughts. ya ok....no I'm fine. I wish I had the balls to do something about it, but I don't. I used to cut, but now either I can't feel it, or it is such severe pain I am crippled by it. Fucking nerves. I see a shrink, my dad is kissing my ass, I live with an MPD, and enjoy it 98% of the time. But right now I am being selfish, and I don't care. Why? Because I need this time to me. I need to let some of the pain out. I need to vent.

Yet all I can think is.......someone just read that, and thinks I am just whining about my life.

ah well!

Maybe one day my problems, and fears will be as important as everyone else's.

I fucking wish I had MPD instead of MS. That atleast I could handle. I would rather be scared of the world, then so scared of my future.

It's funny you know. One day I will completely snap, and off myself, and everyone will cry and say "why! why did she do it!?! she seemed so happy" ya, well.....things aren't always what they seem now are they?

If anyone ever asks you that....you tell them "because, it's what she needed to do to be happy"

I hate my body

I hate my genetics

I hate where my life is going

I even hate who I am now

I used to be alive

fun

crazy

insanelt goofy.

Now I am just dead inside.

yeehaw! Isn't that just fucking wonderful?

I shouldn't feel this way at 27.

I just shouldn't feel anymore.

fuck it!

Thats enough of this!

Laterz,

IVY

Quiet-Bitch!

~WTF?~ - Saturday, Mar. 25, 2017
~Relaxation~ - Tuesday, Sept. 01, 2015
~The hunt is on.~ - Tuesday, Aug. 04, 2015
~Sometimes~ - Friday, Mar. 21, 2014
~Fawk~ - Tuesday, Jan. 07, 2014