On October 25th 2010 at approximately 4:30pm (still upset I didn't look at the time) I had to put my baby boy to sleep.

My almost 7 year old rabbit Zeppelin was dying. It looked as if his Kidney's were failing. That hurt.

For days I felt like someone was sitting on my chest, and like I had a knife in my stomach. Hell, even writing this now digs up the pain, and makes me feel like shit.

But, it had to be done. Unfortunately.

I have many regrets about the things I didn't do for him. Health issues I had signs of, but didn't act on. Yeah, I feel like a useless piece of shit. I keep asking myself "what if I did this?" would he still be alive today if I had acted on what I saw? I dunno. It's hard. I have alot of guilt.

I had him creamated. I got a call a couple days ago that the Vet has his urn. My dad says he'll pick it up, but it's taking forever. I just want my baby boy back. I want him back home with me. Just not ready to let go I guess. It's never easy to let an animal go, but he was one in a million.

The night before I took him in, I was laying on the floor alking to him, and he reached his head up and licked my nose. He always had a thing with licking my nose. Not sure why, but he was a momma's boy to the end.
The day I was gonna take him in I called my sons school and had him sent home. My Zep took turns spending time with my son, then Tricky, then I. He actually moved from one to the other. It was as if he was saying goodbye to us all. It kills even thinking of that.

When I was in the vets office I knew it was the right thing. In the end he was stoned and pain free. They gave him a shot of a sedative. Said he was a good boy, and didn't argue at all, or fight. When they brought him back I watched the pain fade from him, and saw my baby boy look like he did when I first had him. Completely pain free, albeit stoned out of his tree from the narcotics.

When he went, it was peaceful. He just gently slipped away. I buried my face in the top of his head. Smelling him, kissing him, and thelling him over and over that I love him. As tears come to my eyes again. It still hurts. It hurts alot. 7 years with someone who was your confidant, friend, M&M addict, half cat, half dog but not rabbit. I couldn't leave him to suffer. I just want him home.

As usual with my parents, it a yeah whatever. I want my boy home, and my dad is taking forever to get him. I got him an amazing Black urn with a silver nameplate. It's perfect for my 10lb big black bastard.

Fuck I miss you Zep. I have problems going downstairs. I'm used to you being there and raing out to trip me so you can get some M&M's. I'm used to sitting in my chair and you coming over to get up on your hind legs and beg.

I was sick for 2 months, and stuck upstairs. I'm so sorry that I wasn't there for you. That you were left alone with your pain. I'm so sorry you didn't have the attention and love that you deserve for such a long time. Yeah, I feel like a piece of shit. I was so sick, but I didn't even get him brought upstairs while I was stuck there. So many regrets. So much guilt.

I don't want another animal right now. I can't even comprehend it. He was my boy. Nothing could ever compare to him. He was the only animal I have ever had that chose me. He chose me. He loved me as much as I loved him. For 3 years I lived in fear of losing him and it finally happened. It's going to hurt for a long time. A really long time.

The last link I had to "Jay" is now gone. She is no longer connected to me in any way. Oh yeah we talk. And yeah, she tells me constantly that she lives with regret, and that she wants me back....but it will never happen. She broke my heart so bad that I nearly died. She's too hopped up on drugs and alcohol to realize that it will never happen. Although I still question if it's a kid related want as well. They all disappeared as soon as she was thinking of not coming back. God. Could you imagine years of being free to be out, live normal, get hugs, and feel safe...just to have to go back into hiding again? I'm suprised she's sane(ish) and they haven't exploded. Yeah, I still miss them. I didn't even get to say goodbye. That killed me for years.

I guess looking back at everything I wrote, that I have too big a heart. Everytime I care about someone or something, I seem to get hurt by it. It's the way my life seems to go, but in the end I look at the good stuff before the pain.

I dunno.

IVY

Quiet-Bitch!

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~Relaxation~ - Tuesday, Sept. 01, 2015
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~Fawk~ - Tuesday, Jan. 07, 2014