So, I was gonna get up at 10. But I am being screamed at in text messages. "What time is it?!?"

I don't like the tone, so they can fuck off. Simple as.

Fuck am I roadkill. I seriously need food right now. I'm just trying to wake up. But, I need to eat. Seriously now. I have the shakes, am weak, and a lil dizzy. This isn't fun anymore. I got a 1/4 of a bowl of soup in me yesterday, but 2 days of nothing, that and then nothing? Come on now! A fucking anorexic eats more than me. See? That's why I went to pot when Claire left me. I went numb, and got hungry. That's why I should do it again. But, this time is far different. It doesn't hurt as bad because I have answers. My only issue is how the break up happened. Head games are bullshit. That's what I got hit with. All this "I love you.....fuck off!". Too much bullshit.

I was talking about her for a bit last night. About why she should be respected, and left alone. I likened her to a cancer survivor. She has a new lease on life. I'm just not in there anymore. *sigh*

It feels alot better when I am out and occupied. I'll head out again after the furniture arrives, and I have it all set up. Then again....I was told last night that company might show up today to see my new living room.

I started packing her shit last night too. I went through and found absolutely everything in the living room and kitchen. The bedroom will start tomorrow. I don't want to look at any of it anymore. I want it packed up and by the door. I don't even want her in my place at all. Not right now. Not after hear head games and blowing me off constantly. When I was gonna boot her out a couple of weeks ago I was taking shit out so she could leave with what she came with. This time I just want all of it gone. I don't need the reminders that I had with Claire. All the monkeys, all the u/w absolutely everything is going with her. Even her dvd's. I just want it gone. The only thing that is gonna suck is pulling the lamp out from behind the t.v., and giving up the vcr in the bedroom, cause I have nothing up there now. That seriously sucks ass.

Oh well. I just need an adapter to hook a dvd player upto this stupid t.v. I didn't ever want it to end this way, but she is attacking me now. Being mean and emotionally abusive. So, Amber shut down emotionally, and is moving on. I always bounce back. I never let go with her. I was starting to...but I never did. Not like with Claire. Kris had this constant threat of running hanging over my head. I couldn't let myself fall completely. Damn good thing I didn't too. lol

Ah well. Shit happens. It's all for the best. One day I'll find someone that wants me for me, and wants to settle down with me. I thought it was her, but deep inside I always knew she was gonna leave. I just thought we would atleast hit a year...or hoped. Funny how I told her I would celebrate at a year, I wonder why? Then isn't it funny how I "changed my mind" and decided to celebrate 11 months like I would have at a year? I wonder why?

I knew. I fucking knew.

Well, she is living now. She doesn't need me anymore. Doesn't want what I have to offer anymore. She's moved on. And that's what I am doing now. Moving on. Having fun. Forcing myself to forget what we once had. I would have waited for her, but the abuse is something I won't put up with. I'm being treated like nothing more than an enemy. I can pretty much say that she is screaming at me as if I am April. I don't deserve that. Yeah we had the odd fight. But even when I was depressed on Thursday..I still took care of her, and made sure she had food. I can't get the look in her eyes out of my head. She looked at me with hate in her eyes on Friday. Cold, empty hate. That hurt me. I asked her to tell me again that she loves me, and I got "I can't say that right now".

~Remove boot from face and try again~

That was one fuck of a hardcore kick. When she was all "Yeah I'm happy and I love you" later on....I just couldn't believe her at all. I was waiting for the other axe to fall. Funny how it did an hour and a half later. I give up.

My lungs feel heavy. I have to stop mainlining to kill man. I smoked almost a full pack yesterday. I got told off by Daph when she saw me pull them out outside. lol

"Hey now lady...that's gotta go!"

I sized up to her, and I said "Try me!".

lol

She started laughing, then had a smoke with me. She rocks.

Man. It feels so good to be writing in here like I used to. It's nice to sort out my thoughts again. I'm always better when I write. I flog a dead horse in my diary so that I am not in my mind. My cycling thoughts in my diary stay here. Then I have the day to relax mentally.

How odd is it, that it took Kris ditching me for my mother to hug me? She hugged me on Friday when they were leaving. She knows how happy I was. She knows how blindsided I was. She feels it. She has felt it. I'm glad I never married her. Taking vows with her, then getting tossed is not something I want to feel. I was hesitant because I knew this was coming.

You know the sad part though?

Now she IS exactly the person that I wanted to be with. Strong, mean, and a fucking spitfire. Of course, that just figures. Now that she is who could keep me in line, she's fucked off. She could stop my sharp tongue with a look now. She could probably talk me into anything because I would back down from her. But, she chooses to leave and attack me.

She's exactly the person I NEED in my life. And now she's gone.

I shall rise through the ashes like the mighty phoenix, and will be stronger than before.

Blah! Enough about her. I don't want to think about her anymore.

On a good note, I found out last night that I could potentially have a future fuck buddy. I may be single, but atleast I'll have a pussy to eat. We'll see what happens. I'm not interested right now. Sex isn't a top priority for me right now. Maybe next month? I'm busy picking up the pieces again. Still holding onto the love I was given once. I won't feel it anymore the moment I have another womans body in my bed. I'd like to carry that thought a little longer.

Fuck! I gotta go!

I have to get ready! They'll be here in an hour!

I'm off!

IVY

Quiet-Bitch!

~WTF?~ - Saturday, Mar. 25, 2017
~Relaxation~ - Tuesday, Sept. 01, 2015
~The hunt is on.~ - Tuesday, Aug. 04, 2015
~Sometimes~ - Friday, Mar. 21, 2014
~Fawk~ - Tuesday, Jan. 07, 2014