Nearing 4am.

Of course I had to wake up. Of course I can't sleep. It was the shock from cutting that knocked me out the first time. I'm thinking I need to cut again to get back to sleep. It's not like I have to look good for anyone anymore.

It's really hard loving someone who can't stand you. I hate the threats, and the pain I keep getting put through. I love her to death, but she hates me. She says she loves me, but she keeps hurting me.

I just wish that shit could be good. I just wish she would let me love her. I just wish that she would love me more than the urge to run.

But, it isn't, she won't, and she doesn't.

Yet another failed relationship. And to think, I wanted to legally marry her last week. If only I didn't live in this rat trap. *sigh*

How dumb is it that something like rent going up will prevent 2 ppl from getting married.

We had spoken about it, I thought she agreed to do it American style with me, and still take vows. I wanted to do that on the spring eqinox...or the summer solstice. Fuck am I an idiot.

Yet again I got played. Yet again I fell for it. When will I stop believing everything I hear.

When will someone say they love me, and actually mean it?

I feel like such a fool.

Kicked to the curb like the trash I am, yet again. Atleast I saw it coming.

And why?

All because we don't talk enough. Usually it's because I talk and they don't like it...so I stop talking and I listen. This one hated the fact I didn't talk.

Well, atleast I don't have the threat hanging over my head anymore.

No, now I have nothing. No love, no security, no one to look after. No one to help take care of me cause I'm useless. No one to cuddle with. No one to sleep next to anymore. I am alone. 100% alone.

She is so cold, and so heartless that she is probably happily stoned and asleep right now. When I sit awake at 4am, typing because I have no one to talk to.

I was cutting earlier, and I couldn't stop. I wanted to stop because I was starting to cut too deep, but my hand wouldn't stop. Stupidly I asked her for help. I just couldn't stop. She brushed me off.

I stopped when I couldn't stay conscious anymore. The shock took over, and knocked me out. I wish it could have lasted longer. The pain in the pit of my stomach woke me up at 3:30.

Single again. I just want to love, and be loved.

Same shit all the time it seems. I meet a girl, she winds up multiple, I help put her back together. She leaves because she no longer needs me anymore.

The problem is...

This one was my match. Everything about her completed me in every way. Even her light snoring would put me to sleep.

I was laying awake last night, next to her in bed. She was out cold, and all I could think was how I wished I could cuddle with her. But, she was wasted, and I didn't want to wake her. She worked all night, and needed her sleep.

Would it have made a difference if I did move over and forced her into a cuddle? She slept away from me so much lately, that I was scared she would reject me. Geez...how right was I?

And here I sit. Sick. Dehydrated. Dying in side. The cuts on my body aching and burning. Not wanting to believe that any of this is real. I actually went downstairs hoping she was sleeping on the couch.

I wish I never met her.

I never wanted to feel this pain again.

Why is it, everytime I fall in love with someone, they leave me? Am I really that bad? Is my love that sick? Or, is this just my continued punishment? To love, and be destroyed over and over again.

That's better.

Just had a smoke. And am stoned from it. Nicely sick and dizzy.

I give up. Same time frame as my other ex. 2 weeks before an anniversay. When I am at a point that "I love you" is words that I feel with every cell in my body.

I haven't eaten properly in days. I'm watching my gut disappear. Watching my existence wane. I just don't give a fuck anymore. Satan has my mom atleast, I have no one at all.

I guess I deserve no one. I don't think I am gonna live to see 35. Everytime I cut it's alot more, and deeper. My will to live is starting to wear out now.

I just can't go through this again.

I love her. She's my everything. But, I am nothing. I destroy it all. Everything I touch turns to shit. I need her. I want her. I wake up in the morning just to see her. Now I have nothing to wake up for?

She is my everything, and now she's gone for good. I don't want to go cold. I want to love her, and feel loved by her.

Never again I guess.

I need to cut more. It's the only time I go numb. I need to feel numb. I just wish I could cut my heart out of my chest.

I just want to be good enough for someone. Good enough for her.

I can't handle this shit. I wish I was dead.

Soon enough I will be. It just has to be done right.

I need someone to save me from myself.

IVY

Quiet-Bitch!

~WTF?~ - Saturday, Mar. 25, 2017
~Relaxation~ - Tuesday, Sept. 01, 2015
~The hunt is on.~ - Tuesday, Aug. 04, 2015
~Sometimes~ - Friday, Mar. 21, 2014
~Fawk~ - Tuesday, Jan. 07, 2014