They say you don't know what you've got til it's gone. Well, I now realize the hell I lived in for years, and personally....call me a masochist....I miss it.

I've been really missing the kids lately, and have been feeling really lonely, but putting up a front. I'm miserable. I'm alone, I'm empty, and I am surrounded by ppl who just will never understand.

Oh ya, April is here, but I feel nothing, and she has no feelings for me, and if she did I killed them. I scared the fuck out of her yesterday with a look. I needed to discuss her staying here, and the cash she isn't bringing in, and how I can't, and WON'T support her ass. She accused me of having a go at her, I was all "WTF?????" as I was all calm, and just entioning it, and I got annoyed. So, I turned looked her in the eye and told her I was calm and relaxed, but if she wants me to have a go at her I will.
She looked into my eyes, and stumbled back with a look of terror on her face. She said the look in my eye was that I was going to kill her. *sigh* How lovely. I was planning on taking a break from smoking up yesterday, and made it through the day fine, then last night I fell apart, and climbed out of bed at 12:30am to roll. Now it's 9am, and I want more. Monday was fun, we started at 8:30am, and stopped at 12:30pm. Smoked 4 joints, one an hour. I just can't seem to get high enough. It's just not enough. We stopped when we did so as to be str8 when satan got home. Then after he was in bed asleep, we rolled it up again. 5x on monday, but still not enough. The high isn't strong enough, and doesn't last long enough. I don't get dry mouth or munchies anymore, haven't in a while. I just need to no longer feel. I'm fucking dying inside and I want it to stop. I don't wanna know.

After all of this I am sure someone, somewhere is saying, or thinking "What about April?" Considering she is infact staying here. April is staying here, ya I took her virginity, but April and I have never been an "item". Many ppl think we are, but we aren't. Her mind is with another, and her heart is empty after the death of her mom 2 years ago. There is nothing there but sex and drugs. That is how I can say I am lonely. I miss the deeper connection, the love, the butterflies. I know I will never feel it again, not with anyone. I found and lost my soulmate. I am dying inside now. Going back to the cold, empty shell I was in '99. I have been feeling the cold, and shadows creep back into me again.
I get high to stay alive. I was going to hack the fuck out of myself last night, I was actually getting excited at the thought of pain and bleeding....hell, I dream about being shot now, and it isn't a bad dream. I wake up smiling. But, last night I was reaching the end of my rope, and I am struggling to hold on. There is nothing anyone can say or do, I am just dying emotionally now. Struggling to find a reason not to die physically. At the moment, all I can hold onto is Satan. I look at April and see what the death of a mother does to a kid, and I can see satan as being her. I don't want him to know that pain.

Nope, shit is creeping up on me slowly, it's only in the last week that shit has become worse, and the pain is getting harder to bear. I guess deep down inside I know one day I'll be just fucking rocked, and I'll off myself. Go when I don't care. Atleast I have this diary to show why.

Never ever ask why.....it's all right here.

I am a cold empty shell looking for an out.

Nothing more, nothing less.

If only...........

IVY

Quiet-Bitch!

~WTF?~ - Saturday, Mar. 25, 2017
~Relaxation~ - Tuesday, Sept. 01, 2015
~The hunt is on.~ - Tuesday, Aug. 04, 2015
~Sometimes~ - Friday, Mar. 21, 2014
~Fawk~ - Tuesday, Jan. 07, 2014