Where to begin....well, at the beginning I suppose. April and I were just sort of chatting, and she kissed me. Then again, and again, and again. Then I decided I wanted a sandwich, so I wet off downstairs to make one. She followed me after a few, and we were chatting in the kitchen. She started to dig through her stuff a bit, then I started talking to her, she stood up, came over to me and started kissing me, so I pinned her up against a wall, and went at her....and of course grabbed her hands and slid them up my shirt. After a bit I walked off like nothing happened, and started to make up a tuna sammich. Well, April went and sat on the couch as she was waiting for me to set up the Game Cube for her. I walked around the corner, and decided I was gonna tease her a bit. Well, the "tease" somehow turned into me at her nipples, then me fingering her, then me licking her clit while I fingered her. That turned into her asking me to eat her...and me doing so. Who am I to say no? Well, by the time I was done....as she is a squirter....My couch, and my face were coated in her cum. Oopsie! Well, that was all fine. afterwards we just hung out, and relaxed. Her family called her up, and I decided to take a shower. Me being my not caring self (as usual) pulled my shirt off, and was walking around topless, I went to the bathroom, then went back to my room to throw my u/w in the basket. April was still on the phone, and was asking me something. While I was answering her, I saw here eyeballing me, as I was stark at that point. I went, showered, then went into my room...naked again....April was on the computer chatting, I laid down on the bed to air dry, and after a bit she made a comment about wanting a shower and got up to go have one, I asked for a hug, and wound up pinned for quite some time. Not to mention covered in her cum....face, chest, arms.....nice. We got dressed and ran to the store so that she could get smokes, and a few bits and pieces she needed. When we got back, I sat at the comp and started chatting with peeps. She got ready for a shower, then harrassed me until I joined her......mmm shower sex. She got out of the shower, I finished then got out. She was absorbed in the comp, and I just laid down behind her on the bed...yet again to attempt to air dry. Well, April has discovered the visualizer on itunes, and is an addict now. I was laying in bed dozing, and she had the lights out watching that thing while listening to techno. Next thing I knew she was kissing me, then naked, then on me. DAYUM! To make a long story short....We were done 4 hours later, She actually got to a point where she couldn't cum anymore, and I have a fat lip!
Oh yes...I have a sex war wound.
You see, April decided that she wanted to sit on my face. So...who am I to say no? Well, she got into it, started grinding into my face, and OW! Yep.....I have a fat lip from her riding my face. lmao! I pissed myself laughing when I looked in the mirror....it does look as bad as it feels. lol What a way to get one though. Explaining it to my mom will be interesting.
So, I finally made it to bed at 6am, and was up at 8:30am to see April off. She is out watching some skiing competition thing with her biological father, and siblings. She didn't want to go. The hornball was ready to jump me again this morning. If she didn't have to go, chances are that one of us would be on our backs right now.
Now for my inquisitive rant....ok......April WAS a virgin....like yesterday afternoon...and she awears up and down that she was.....but oh my fucking god! She was doing shit to me last night with her fingers and tongue that....well....even with my nerve damage, and minimal clit feeling, she nearly made me cum 3x. She can do things with her fingers that just blow your mind. And for the aparent first time going down on another female....HOLY FUCK!!! I was all fucked out, and looking at her. I told her straight out that there is no fucking way in hell that she was a virgin...."virgins don't eat pussy like that" But she gets a big grin on her face, swears she was one, and just says "I like to masturbate, and I know what feels good to me"....yes, aparently she does. So the night ended with Her masturbating while I was between her legs, and me getting covered before I started to show off my abilities with 2 vibrators that had her cumming over and over, eventually ending in her actually telling me she can't handle anymore. She looked kinda dazed after that. lol
Nope, still not an item, and still like being single, but I am worried. I see the look in her eye. I know she is growing attached, especially after pretty much a day of sex that started with her losing her virginity. I do have guilt....but the initial time wasn't planned, it just sort of happened, and opened a flood gate. I can already tell that I am going to break her heart. I have warned her all along to not get attached to me, as I will break her heart. But, I guess you just can't help what happens sometime.
I cried for the first time last night....about the kids. April and I were talking about my past, and because of her amazing amount of compassion, I felt I could share with her. So, I pulled out all the kids drawing to me. I shared stories with her. Then I realized there were tears on my cheeks. It feels like I lost my son. I am having such a hard time of it. They went into hiding because she chose to be with another. No more mum = no more safety. I told April last night that I fear the future. One day they will be back, and I won't be there. When they realize that, they will try to kill her...if not succeed. It was a choice she made for her own selfish reasons. A decision about escape. Short term it feels good....but long term it will kill her. There was a point in time where I was prepared to die for her. She is my soulmate, I still feel her. But the last single thing that I trusted in her, it was broken. She has nothing to offer me but pain. I wish she had come here, I wish she knew who I became after injecting. Part of me still wishes she had gotten on that plane in Nov. But, part of me is also glad she didn't. *sigh*
I was talking to April about it all last night. I was telling her that I found my soulmate, and if I never have another relationship it doesn't matter. I found who I was looking for. I know where they are. Had things been different, I could have been with them. But she is who and what she is, and I am not the depressed chick who never thought she could do better aymore. I have wicked self esteem now. My self worth is high. I'm self righteous again, and happy. Hell, tomorrow I do my first workout, then I'll be going 3x a week. No, I have changed so drastically now, that she would never recognize me. Well, she might...I am now the exact person I was when she first met me. It is my honest opinion that I am the only person who ever 100% understood her. Even now I can't hate her. Even though those around me think I should. I know for a fact that shit in her head got to bad, and she turned to drugs. Hooking up with the child was a matter of conveniece. She was lonely, the kid came out to her....and is pretty much the only other dyke in her town. Add the fact the kid has a job, and can supply her drug habit....well...it is convenience...and a total textbook rebound. One day she will wake up and realize that she had what she needed, and she chose to leave it. Her choice, not mine. I opened my heart to her in feb.'04. I let myself slip so deeply in love with her, that the world became beautiful to me, and I was closer to her than ever before. That sept she left, and we were tighter than we had ever been before. 2 months later she was fucking the kid. Yet another destructive act. Their relationship is based on drugs. The drugs cover her emotions. She will think she loves her now, because she has someone to smoke with, and fuck. But, in time the kid will get tired of it. Teenagers grow up. At 17 I was drinking like a fish, and stoned 80% of the time. I was done with it all at 19. Hell, I got fed up at 18. Gettig preg was what stopped it all immediately. To a teenager forever means a month, or a year. To me, forever meant getting married in Van this summer, and filing the immigration papers. Hell, my crue tix were bought as an anniversary gift for her. Let's just say that now I know why she didn't get excited about them. I regret ever letting my gurd down, and letting myself love her completely.
I was talking about it all with April last night, and commeted on how she is my soulmate, and how I looked after her and the kids. What does April say? "So, why did she break your heart then?".......I had no answer to that, I still don't. I understand where she is mentally right now, and I understand what she is doing and why. I don't even need to ask. She is who she is, and I know her better than she knows herself. But I am struggling. I know that a time will come when she will show up again, and I don't know that I will ever be able to look her in the eye, or even look at her. I don't know that I can ever offer her anything anymore. She burned alot of bridges, and damn near destroyed me. After that call where she laughed at me, then they hung up on me....I didn't sleep for over 48 hours, I didn't eat for 4 fucking days straight, and the only thing that broke it was getting high. I spent almost 3 weeks high. 3-4 times a day I was smoking the shit. When it started to wear off, I started to feel, and I smoked more. But now.....I have none here, the last time I smoked was friday to celebrate April's arrival with her. Albeit she has me smoking again. *sigh* The one thing I said I wouldn't do. She isn't here so I am all determined to not smoke again.....but she lights up, and hands it to me. Just another escape for Amber. Oh well. K is home tonight, and she will be smoking outside, so this week I should be able to stop doing it. Ya, and I'll suddenly become straight too. It's funny....everything I quit doing because of her, I am now doing again. I changed for her, and no matter what I did it was never enough. Then I got sad. Mourning my health is what did it all in. Thank god all that is over, and I can be happy now. I actually have a social life now. I am actually enjoying life now, but yes...my heart is broken, and will never fully mend. I will NEVER make the mistake of letting someone into my heart again. I feel so bad for April. She has that look in her eye, and I am cold and empty. Empty.....but not lonely. I oddly have no feelings of lonliness. I seem to be content with it just being me. Ok, in retrospect I can see myself opening to one other person. But, that will never happen. That is one thing that will just remain in dreams. But hey....atleast I have that right?
No, I am alone right now, but not lonely. I am quite relaxed, being chased by many, working on my health, and planning for a future. I might go back to college too. Been seriously pondering that idea. We shall see what the future will bring. I have given myself a year to lose the last 86 lbs. I know I will do it, and I'll get stronger too. My eventual plan is to get to a point where I can handle working again. I need to work....I just can't handle it at the moment.
But, even looking back at all I wrote....the song still fits.
"Hey it's been a lovely day, everything's been going my way, ever since you went away hey, I'm on fire.."
Well, I have been typing all this for 2 hours now. I am tired, and need a nap. I only got 2 and a half hours of sleep after all. lol
What does she say to me this morning?
"Tonight because K is gonna be here, I'll be quiet"
Oh god....no sleep for me anytime soon.
But, she is sweet, affectionate, and all she ever wants to do is kiss me raw. Simple pleasures are the best. Tonight she is cooking too. A down home newfie meal. I'm scared, but intrigued. It is going to be interesting to say the least.
Well, nap time for Amber....I need my strength to take on April tonight. lol
