You know....

Every day that goes by, it becomes more aparent that mean fuck all to anyone in any substantial way.

The ppl I come in contact with all want me as a friend or a fuck. Personally I am fucking sick of it! Jay will never be allowed contact with me again, I know this. The last I heard from her was tuesday before she went to pick up money I had sent. I don't even know if she got it or not. I have pretty much written her off as a lost cause. I fucked that one right in the ass, and am paying for it now. But at the same time...was our relationship just flogging a dead orse anyway? I don't know, I don't think it was, but I'll never know.

And then there is my online world. Several of each gender want me as some form of a sport fuck, or have befriended me. A couple show a deeper interest, but are too far away for anything, if I ever decided it's what I wanted. No, I would wind up being a sport fuck to them too. A prime example of this.......

There is a guy in vegas....he is a tat artist, piercer, and is recording his 6th album. He's in a metal band, and is the prime example of what I like in a guy. He is a sweetheart, keeps inviting me to vegas, wants to tattoo me, got annoyed that someone else pierced me and they fucked it up. He is a big softy....but. He's american. Why is it impossible to find a fucking canadian? Hell, there's a guy in scotland that wants to give me a run for my money. They are everywhere but here. Now, I'm not exactly looking. I have no want to do anything until I know she is gone. I just can't. But, I like knowing of possibilities. All I offer these ppl is friendship.

I had a moment today where I was going through the motions in a sexual convo. I wasn't into it, and just let my mind drift. Right in the middle I realized I was talking to myself. I stopped, and moved on. I have felt like an idiot since, and am starting some semblance of being evasive now. As with everything else in my life, I am running.

I wish I didn't have a choice. I wish that I didn't live inside my head so much. I still wish she had gotten on that plane. That was the end of it all I think. Since then, there has been nothing but pain, and silence between us. I haven't heard from her in 3 days now. Don't think I will today. I'm considering ditching the net for a while. Just falling further into my head. Watching movies and shit. I don't want to go anywhere, or do anything. I'm not really on a downer or anything. Just fed up with my life as it is.

I don't want to be the other woman, or the friend, or the fuck. I want to be straight up loved for who and what I am. I was thankful to be single when I met Jay. I didn't want anyone. I swore to myself that if things between us ended, I would never get involved with anyone else ever again. My mind set is starting to change towards that. No one wants to converse with me due to me being a "downer". Unless I am acting like an ass, or a domme....they don't want to know. Apparently I should be happy because I am everyones excuse to masturbate. But, at the end of the day. I am always going to sleep alone. That is my reality. Alone.

What to do?

I just don't know. I don't even know how to be an interesting me anymore.

Oh ya, there are a few ppl I would love to have. But as I always say, and as the song change indicates....

I just want something that I can never have,

Nite.

IVY

Quiet-Bitch!

~WTF?~ - Saturday, Mar. 25, 2017
~Relaxation~ - Tuesday, Sept. 01, 2015
~The hunt is on.~ - Tuesday, Aug. 04, 2015
~Sometimes~ - Friday, Mar. 21, 2014
~Fawk~ - Tuesday, Jan. 07, 2014