Alot of shit is stirring in my head. Many demons are rising to the surface, and many emotions are coming out.

I hate memories of shitty times. I hate xmas. I hate stress. I hate silence. I hate noise. I hate myself. I hate my life. I hate my past. I hate my present. I hate my future.

I just hate right now.

I'm sitting in the dark listening to Puddle Of Mud. I am craving bad things. I need to get ink soon, if not I'll be laying in bed fucked with shock and bleeding.

I hate this fucking shit. I can ignore everything and be all happy and shit when the sun is up. But when it sets, and starts getting into serious night time.....The facade starts to crumble, and reality seeps in.

My dagger is so clean, so pristine. I hold it to my abdomen and question if I will ever hurt enough to thrust it in. I had a dream last night...just as I was dozing...maybe it was a thought. It was a vision of me dropping my last 30 ativan, and feeling my body relax until my bowels and bladder released. I laid there and felt how it would feel to die from that od. As I laid there I started to feel calm, and my body relaxed....then I started to get chest pains. I'm such a dumbass. I couldn't move for 5 min. Fucking apendages wouldn't work. My mind controls my body, my thoughts fucked me.

I'm drifting under again. I'm losing my soul. I hide behind sex talk when I am screaming for any form of friendship. No, I have a sex drive because it's all I know. When I was in my teens no one wanted me, but they would fuck me, so I hot attention via sexual activities. I'm fighting those same urges now.

I can't handle my mom anymore. I am tired of being in the wrong, and a piece of shit. I have been paying for my birth all my life. I wish she would have aborted me. I wish I had the balls to do it now. I wish I had the money to get someone else to abort me from this life. I am just tired of it.

My mind is winding down now. It has been running full throttle for days, but now I am alone, in my room, in the dark, silent, and lost. I'm not sure how many upates there will be in the next few days. I am slowly going silently destructive.

Thankfully the lust has been crushed and disposed of now....I think. I had a big chat about it with a friend of mine in a similar situe, and it seems to have cleared my head. Thank god. Although...it almost moved onto someone else. This be the healing process ppl.

I need a stalker, or someone to obsess over me. Not necessarily something that will come into fruition, but something that will make me feel a lil less like a nasty piece of white trash.

I am fighting so fucking hard right now. I'm not huge on cutting. Instead I ang my head on shit until I pretty much knock myself out cold. I need to walk in the cold until hypothermia sets in. I need blood, violence, and pain. preferably all at the same time.

No, I feel a silence coming on.

Everything I am, I created. I am a loser, a loner. I have no friends because my relationships take over that aspect of my life. I don't even have my best friend anymore. He moved to Fox Creel, and that was that. The warning was a call the night before, then he was gone.

I am alone. Completely alone. If I dropped dead right now, no one would notice until sunday night at about 9pm. No one calls me, so I wouldn't be missed. I could od on a friday night, and would be stone cold before anyone found me. Talk about security.

I think I should have been sent to a shrink when I asked my mom at 13. But as per usual I got "There is nothing wrong with you. Now go! I am trying to watch this!" Goddess knows that t.v. still is a higher priority than I am.
I just can't handle my mother anymore. Anything I say makes me wrong. Anything I do has to benefit her, and although I have no fucking money, I am expected to spend $100 on fucking perfumr because Jay didn't come with the shit she has for my mom.

Jay.....don't even get me started on that. I don't want to know anymore.I just don't want to know. I don't want to feel. I am praying for he numb.

Fuck it.

I am going to go back to laying in the dark, and praying for my heart to stop.

One day.....hopefully.

Ahhhh sweet oblivion.

until then...the blood.

IVY

Quiet-Bitch!

~WTF?~ - Saturday, Mar. 25, 2017
~Relaxation~ - Tuesday, Sept. 01, 2015
~The hunt is on.~ - Tuesday, Aug. 04, 2015
~Sometimes~ - Friday, Mar. 21, 2014
~Fawk~ - Tuesday, Jan. 07, 2014