I am choosing to explain a lil sumthin' here.

I shall directly address said person, and go from there.

Ok, Kal I know there is something more. Infact what she thinks is her doing something good, is infact destructive behavior.
Last time Jay came back from England she had a nervous breakdown. Full out screaming and freaking. In the end I wound up bawling. The thing is, is while she was in England she was playing this "the world is sunshine and rainbows" bullshit act. So when she freaked I didn't expect it.
Why did I cry? Because she was going on and on about killing herself. The thought of life without her broke me.
Now then, a week ago she told me she was feeling the same way she had been last time, and she was scared she was gonna explode and "hurt me". I told her the straight up truth. That because I knew it was coming, she couldn't hurt me. I guess that wasn't good enough. I guess she really wanted to hurt me, because rather than come here, blow off one night, get it out, then move on with life...she has chosen to stay there, and leave me completely alone when I need her more than anything.
There is no arguement I can use, nothing I can say. I know the longer she is out there, the more fucked up she will get. She thinks she has to straighten out her head first, but doesn't realize that she can't. England is a cold shell of a place for her. She has no love there. She is an intimate part of my family here, and gets hugs and love from everyone, even my 83 yr old grandmother. When she goes from this love, to a loveless environment like England, she goes mental.

Now, she is asking me for time. That's a nice theory. But all the time in the world won't fix her. As long as she is out there, she will get worse until she kills herself. She stated her mom was supposed to email me, as usual she didn't. WhY? Because her "mom" doesn't care. She has resigned herself to stay there, and stay there she will. I just wish she had left my house keys here. I need them for Satan.

Time.

Time is something I don't have. I am expecting a call from the pharmacy any time now. My life is moving on, and if she isn't here, I am not going to put it on hold for her. Every failed relationship I have had has ended in them wanting time, me waiting, and them never returning. I have an automatic response to shit now. I go cold.

My emotions are shutting down now. I am growing cold towards her, this, everything. I slept right through the night last night. I was out cold by midnight. I never woke once. My insomnia is gone. I have mellowed out, my biggest worry and care is my house keys that I want back from her. She wants time...and I am giving her the rest of her life. After all the lies, all the bullshit, all the pain, all the anguish. I'm done. This was the worst thing she could have done. I am not by any means mentally stable. I have issues from hell like the rest of the world. But my issues are rejection and relationship based. Because of that, I am always on guard.

Good thing my guard was up for this. It's an instant replay of Russ. The only diff was his headfuck was his friends trashing me because they wanted his attention, and I had it. Funny how a year later he was contacting me saying he missed me, and wanted me back. I liken Jay to him now. The inner feelings are the same. I cried talking to my dad, then it stopped. Now I almost feel nothing. Every moment I distance myself more, and resign myself to life alone.
I should have known when she packed up everything important 90% of her clothes, her cds, and so on. But my ass saw innocence in it. Well, I honestly don't think she planned on returning when I seriously think about it. So, life goes on for Amber. For years I have been turning down offers. I know I will get more. I'll stay single for a while, atleast as many months as it takes for me to be me again. Then we will see what happens.

I'm an unfortunate survivor. Life shits on me, so I get up and scrape it off. This is just another of the same old bullshit. I choose to scrape this shit off and rise from the wreckage. Not to sound too over dramatic. lol

Maybe it's not a bad thing anyway. I mean, in the last few weeks I have been missing having a guy hold me and look after me. I am tired of caring for everyone else. It's about time I concentrated on me.

Have you noticed how fast I bounce back? I mean, it's only been like 24 hours since I found out she wasn't coming, and already I am relaxed. I know there will be a few more waves of pain as I clear her out of my system, but in the end, I always land on my feet.

And anyway, I have some nice, steady weight loss going on, and in time should be doing really good. Hell, even my sex drive has been coming back. lol

No worries. In 2 hours I do lunch with my dad, and mellow out. It doesn't matter anymore. Her choice was made. Some ppl see it as "she just wants time" they don't see that the more time she has, the further away she gets. I'm not gonna bother putting myself through all this hell anymore. After almost 5 years of lies and bullshit, I think I am gonna enjoy having no stress.

But I gotta say....the next person I hook up with will be canadian. Less bullshit.

Never worry about me, I'm fine. I'm always fine.

IVY

Quiet-Bitch!

~WTF?~ - Saturday, Mar. 25, 2017
~Relaxation~ - Tuesday, Sept. 01, 2015
~The hunt is on.~ - Tuesday, Aug. 04, 2015
~Sometimes~ - Friday, Mar. 21, 2014
~Fawk~ - Tuesday, Jan. 07, 2014