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~It just figures~ Monday, Sept. 13, 2004 - 2:36 PM Just when it looked like things were getting somewhat good here, of course the go to shit again. It's not like I actually expected shit to be semi good, but fuck. ...will it ever be again? Jay had a shower last night, and of course after the shower she walks into the room naked. One of the kids was out, but Jay was putting cream on her body. I...being the pig I am....had a good long look, while pondering how much I would like to attack her with my outh. Then the kid turns and looks at me. Sheer horror on his face. I immediately felt dirty and disgusting for looking at her, and turned away ashamed. Needless to say, later on last night I was cuddling with a kid, and had the urge to grope Jay. Rather than freak out a kid, I call Jay out. I try to pull her to me to hug her, she resists. I then get told that she knew what I wanted as soon as I called her out, and after a large rant that yet again left me feeling guilty and ashamed, she topped it off by saying that I am as bad as a man. It was warranted mind you, as I made a comment about how I should become a prostitute because atleast I'd get some. So, after all that bullshit. I can no longer feel turned on around her with out guilt, and self disgust, and even the thought of masturbation makes me feel ill. I can't wait until she is gone for that 2 and a half weeks. Hopefully my nerve damage won't be so bad, and I'll be able to get off a couple of times to some porn, ad get it all out of my system until she returns, and I return to my celibacy. I love her to death, and want her more than anything, but sexually I can't even look at her anymore. It's just too much now. Not with kids, and memories of rape, and nerve damage. I actually fantacize about taking a razor blade to my clit so I never have to worry again. The topper of it all was her talking about wanting to play with me today. After all of that she brings it up today! I give up! I feel sick, disgusting, and perverted. No thanks. It's too much. IVY ~WTF?~ - Saturday, Mar. 25, 2017 |
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