Damn.

It had been over 24 hurs since I had heard from Jay.

My automatic thought was she couldn't get to a comp, and had fallen asleep waiting to call me.

I was pretty far off with that.

I got an email this morning......

"Ok, i never got to call you back because i bought 3 cards right one 10 pound, which was a Eurocity card wehich i used yesterday and 2 Alpha cards, but they don't give you a card they give you a receipt with all the info on it, well the one i seemed to of bought is africa ONLY i never relised it at all i took it back to the shop and they told me there was nothing they could do so yes, a mishap on my part but i am getting some more. yesterday after talking to you i was just so happy for you i had to tell SOMEBODY so i told my brother and mel i was just so psyched for you but after that and going to the store i just triggered and triggered and triggered, didn't i trigger like only twice in a row once? because it was near 3 times one after another it fucked me for six i woke up real late and my head was banging. i needed you so bad i didn't know what to do. i think the kids are pissed or something. i know they are ok and i know how much they miss you, but why the triggers? my life just went tits up basically and here i am still sitting here feeling like utter crap, feeling like you will never trust me and that is horrible. i love you and god, please juast because of who i am and everything that i do don't think that i don't love you. i would give you anything. i don't mean to hurt you or piss you off and i swear it you will see me, i had to put the kids back in"

Fuck

I hate it when she triggers and I'm not there. I can bring her down so quick, and mellow her and the kids out. This is really hard for me right now. I can relax and wait when I know she's ok. But hearing shit like this throws me into panic mode.

Fuck.

Need to think positive.

Need to remember

Need to smile

Need to always remember her words to me.....

"one day you will see you for who you are, you will see that who you have become is not bad at all, you are a good person and through your poker face there is the little girl that dropped her popsicle on the sidewalk. then there is that woman that gave birth and still could kick ppls arses, you took it all on and here you still are. you are beautiful, i want to protect the lil girl and i want to love the woman.

you are my life"

Just remember it Amber....just see the good.

Do I look sane now?

IVY

Quiet-Bitch!

~WTF?~ - Saturday, Mar. 25, 2017
~Relaxation~ - Tuesday, Sept. 01, 2015
~The hunt is on.~ - Tuesday, Aug. 04, 2015
~Sometimes~ - Friday, Mar. 21, 2014
~Fawk~ - Tuesday, Jan. 07, 2014