And I ask myself.

Is it right to show someone something you see in them? Is it really upto me to point out something that is hidden? Is it crossing the line to silently involve someone in something they aren't prepared for? And what if that knowledge causes severe problems....as it possibly could.

When I found Jays mpd, it was amazing for me. Now I know I have written this in here probably many times before, but I just feel like doing it again....so bare with me.

As I was saying, when I found Jays mpd, it was because I knew about the disorder. A strange fascination with MPD and schizophrenia hit me when I was 13. My mom had all the books about ppl with mpd, and I read them all. Then I started taking trips to the library to read what I could find. I discovered that one of the major ways to "split" was ritual or satanic abuse. In which the mind was programmed...brainwashed with torture if you will....to split particular personalities, for specific purposes. Mainly to hurt the host, and carry out programmed orders. Certain triggers were woven in to cause these alternate personalities to react in certain ways. Very complex system that is. Nearly impossible to control, and very difficult to put back together. These multiples are mainly found in the states, as the cults there have twisted ideas on satanism, and love to torture.

Then I found stories of those who were sexually abused at very young ages, and split because of the trauma this abuse caused. Some shrinks stated that multiples were only created by severe sexual abuse by parents. I suppose at one point I believed that. I was luckily enough to be graced with the friendships of multiples that proved this theory to be wrong. As it turns out any series of severe traumatic eventscan cause this to happen.

I believe in the deepest part of my soul, that all things happen for a reason, and that nothing is accidental, or coincidental. For instance. I obssessed with mpd at 13, I went out with a guy at 16 who was mean as fuck, at 18 with a guy who was needy, at 19 I met satans dad, and went through hell. I learned from him never to trust, everything that got under my skin completely, and the pain of cheating. I hardened from being with him. Developed a certain disgust for men, and found my childhood fantasies of females was starting to develop again. Now some of this Jay doesn't know, as I haven't thought of it until now.

Shawn always dragged me out to a gay bar here when I was preg. I discovered an old friend of mine, that I went to school with from elementary, was a lesbian. The asshole had moved the slut into my apt and I was miserable from it. The dykes at this bar took me under their wings, and looked out for me. I had one big butch dyke keep approaching me to talk to me. She was always telling me that preg women were sexy. I loved the attention. Always wished she would make a move on me, but it never happened. Her gf was a tiny little thing, with big attitude. She was much like Jay, only had eyes that seemed to go through you. All she ever did was glare at me. She scared the fuck out of me.

Well, because of shawn dragging me there, I found myself coming out of my shell. I had been around all these ppl that would go on about how dykes were sick and shit. I dealt with that all my life, so I ignored how I reacted to a beautiful female, and styarted using guys. But I always had a deep seeded disgust for males.

Near the time I got rid of shawn, I had started to avidly search for a female. That was 1997. I was fed up with letting a guy fuck me as I closed my eyes wishing it was a woman. Then I met russ. Never have I ever met a guy more like a woman. I met him through shawn. He took me to meet this guy he met at the bar, a guy who supposedly "wanted him". What a joke. Well, that meeting turned into a literal 8 hour kiss. With a pause long enough to watch ppl on the other end of the room fuck. This guy was openly bi, had dresses he wore, was obssessed with wearing make up, and was very dainty if you will.

In time he became a joke to me. He taught me patience, and he never held me I had to hold him. I became the one who took charge, and was the one who babied the other. He was fucking mental. When I first met him he claimed to be mpd. I was skeptical, but gave him the benefit of the doubt. A week later, I confronted him in my garage as I was smoking, and told him he was full of shit, then gave him a 30 min lecture on how he couldn't be, and why. I pointed out how his act was wrong, and told him if he was going to lie about a disorder, that he should learn about it first. I personally could easily fake mpd. I know more than most shrinks, and multiples. But, I also know enough to know why it isn't a romantic disorder, like so many choose to view it. But they don't know it.

So that was the 2nd time mpd showed up in my life. When I look back at that, and everything I learned from everyone I have been with, I find myself being prepared for Jay. Shawn was and is still useless, Jay came here unable to boil water as her mom over compensated for the abuse, and did everything for her. Shawns temper, and violence prepared me for Jays. Shawns incessant need to say and do stupid thing without thinking, things that hurt me bad, prepared me for Jay.....as shawns constant lying did as well.

Russ' depression, and mental freakouts, mpd story, and need for pampering and love....prepared me for Jay. I could go on forever about it. The only major thing they lacked, was a link to music. We never really connected musically, which told me it would never last. Russ was obssessed with the fact he was too tall and big to dress female and get away with it. His best friend was a tranny, and a damn good one at that. Very amazing. One of russ' past "gf's" was a drag queen. He was so confused. After all his bf's, I was the first to fuck his ass. He was such a tart. lol

Then I met Jay.

Jay was online as a male when we met. She was months away from GRS so felt there was no need to tell me otherwise as she was set to be male soon. After 7 years of being "male" she would never have been able to admit to it anyway. She was one month out of detox, very fucked up, very alone in the world, and struggling with gender issues.

In walks amber. lol

2000 was full of alot of thngs. Many lies, many deceptions, and alot of pain for me. This "guy" online was playing with my head...but there was just something about him. I just couldn't walk. I did reach a point on apr of 2000 that I was going to walk...thats when I was told "I am a post-operative transsexual" I laughed and said "so?". I must have fucked her head damn good. The day she told me that, was the day she called me for the first time, and she sent me pix of her for the first time. I looked at the pix, sighed in relief and said "thank god he's not ugly!"lol Yep, I was alot like that. I would have run a mile if the pic was of a geeky fat guy. But then I was called. I had fallen asleep and woke to the sound of this british accent leaving a message on my answering machine. I quickly grabbed the phone. Now some ppl will probably think "how did you not notice the female voice?". That was explained away. She had the surgery done, but hadn't started the hormones yet, as in reality she was given the choice, and chose to not start hormones first. We spoke that first time for 14 hours straight. When finally we hung up, I had this surreal feeling about it all. Like it wasn't real yet, it hadn't sunk in. Thats around the time the stories of flights started.

It was the end of May, and Jay was trying to fly out to be with me for her 19th birthday. But it fell through. She was determined to come though. So she said she had something to tell me, as I was going to find out the moment she stepped off the plane anyway. "I actually am still female, I haven't had the surgery yet". Now, I had spent the last month and a half saying "Oh why did you have to have that done? Why couldn't you be female?"lol Turned out she was anyway. I think I responded with something like "Thank god!" lol

After that, things between us got even tighter. She had started to tell me things about her dad cornering her, and trying to touch her. I listened, and got pissed off. I was worried about her. Then the day of her 19th b-day came. His present to her was a brutal rape. She called me up, and broke down. She threw caution to the wind and told me what had happened. She was scared to death that I would be disgusted by her. I wasn't disgusted, I was pissed off. I fucking lost it! I asked her if she called the cops, she said no, and I tripped out on her. I made her report it. Told her he can't do that shit to her. I went off on one of my many lectures. All the time asking her if she was ok. It was 4 days later I met J.C.

2 days after her b-day, I told Jay to smoke a joint. She was head fucked, and freaking from it, so I told her to get high so she could relax. That was the first time I heard her referv to herself as a 3rd party. I thought it was just her high, and that it was funny. The next night she got high, and did the 3rd party thing again. So, I asked "So, what's your name?" I threw J.C. off with that. The answer was "hmmmm...whats my name lol I'm not sure what my name is" and she was gone. Then on the 4th night Jay got high and I got "I know what my name is....I'm Jay's Conscience". I was amazed by it. I thought I was wrong.....but all the signs were there. It makes me wonder how I could have spotted it that quick. But after weeks of 12-18 hour phone conversations, it was like a neon sign blinking.

After that, I started to learn about everything you can't find in books. The stuff shrink's will never know. You see. J.c. was hiding behind the drugs. But one day she slipped up. She came out when Jay was straight, and I pointed it out. She then laughed and admitted that she didn't need the drugs to come out. After that initial meeting when J.C. told me her name, I broke the news to Jay that she was multiple. Her reaction astounded me. "Well, that makes alot of sense then" lol She never ceases to amaze me. lol

2 months from tomorrow will mark 4 years since I met J.C. and our lives changed forever. In that 4 years I have met hundreds of alters, helped alot of them, loved them all, and even been viciously attacked by a few. But, I wouldn't give it up for anything. They complete me in ways no one else could.

Of course in time Jay and I spoke of signs that she didn't see. Like for instance, all her life she remembers hearing voices in her head. But, she just figured everyone had them. She had in inabiulity to figure out things to do with numbers, like math. Could never do it. Even now when there is alot of movement in her head, she loses the ability to tell time. The numbers just make no sense to her. Of course there was so many others as well. A major one was the lack of her childhood memories. Major gaps in time missing.

It was about 2 weeks after she was made aware of the mpd, that she started to go co-conscious. J.C. had told me that when I wasn't disgusted by what happened to Jay on her birthday, Jay started to develop trust for me. J.C. was blown away by the feeling, and had to find out why she was feeling this. Thats why I met her. J.C. told me later on, that they wanted to be put back together. They were sick of the bs, and had chosen me to do it. I was honored by it.

In the last 4 years, I have done everything in my power to notbreak Jays trust in any way. The trust the kids have in me is more than anything anyone could ever give me. I understand the severity of that trust, and therefore will never break it. Even in fights, we would explode, but the trust remained.

Jay and I were talking about her mpd a few days ago. I realized that I changed to adapt to her, rather than trying to change her. Of course when she first came it was a bitch to adjust to. It took me pretty much a full year before I was separating her and the kids. I stopped accusing her of doing things, and started to calmly ask who did what. It took alot of time, and work to get there. But even now, no matter who I talk to. If they are multiple, I separate them from their kids.

It's odd though. I am at a point where I can only really talk to a multiple. The everyday bullshit that a normal person bitches about annoys me. I am tired of ppl who don't know what hell is, going on about how they are soooo depressed, and miserable. They don't know what true misery is.

Well, that was 2 hours of typing. I did this entry for my benefit, as well as others. I like to remember these things. I like to see the connections, I never want to forget a single detail. For over 3 years I have been saving all the kids frawings for me. I have two 2" binders full, and a stack of loose paintings. I have a stack of xmas stocking from xmas with the kids, and even now have a huge easter basket waiting for them. I bought it a month ago. The entire system is my family. Even my son has fave alters he likes to play with. And he also can tell the diff between Jay and alters. When we would fight he would ask if it was J.C. again, as he remembers how I used to fight with her to stop her from hurting Jay. And my mom, she even buys the kids xmas presents.

There are some really bad off kids now. Worse than before. I worry about them when they aren't here. I have to say though. It's amazing what a little love, and patience does to an alter. It's also amazing how much love they have to give. No, I would never give up Jay and my kids. But I sure as hell will bitch about them all! lol

Well, thats enough for now.

IVY

Quiet-Bitch!

~WTF?~ - Saturday, Mar. 25, 2017
~Relaxation~ - Tuesday, Sept. 01, 2015
~The hunt is on.~ - Tuesday, Aug. 04, 2015
~Sometimes~ - Friday, Mar. 21, 2014
~Fawk~ - Tuesday, Jan. 07, 2014