Well, I've gone and made me some newish type friendish people. Basically, I am becoming my old chatty self, and am no longer sitting alone and lonely. I am by myself, but not worrying about it anymore. Now if someone interests me, I natter at them. So far I have had some really interesting chats with people.

I went through like a week and a half of severe fucking sex drive. I swear it nearly killed me. Now I have lost feeling again. So The sex drive is long gone. Oh well. I still think I should have gone out to pick someone up. It would have been nice to get laid while I could feel it. It's gonna suck when the feeling is gone for good.

So I have been looking at my physical state, and what my future may hold. I am scared. I don't want to be a burden on my son, and I have a feeling that in 20 years I will be.

I can go for long periods of time, and not worry about a thing, then something will be said, and it triggers me to freak out about my MS. I need to smarten up, and start doing something to help myself. It's just hard to deal with this shit alone. I have been for years, but just once I would like to be taken care of. I should have found myself a man, and married him. I couldn't do the sex, but atleast I would have strong arms to hold me when I needed to feel weak. I suppose I do miss guys. Oh well. I can't have an open relationship, and I can't fuck them, so it would never work. And no, the whole fucking part is the fact that penetration causes me pain now. It has nothing to do with being a dyke. Somedays, like today, I think I am gay out of necessity. I don't know anymore. I just miss strong arms, and safety.

Oh well.

Get used to it Amber. If you can't fuck them, it will never work.

I hate looking at my physical state, and my mortality. Sometimes I just get scared. For the most part I could care less, but then something makes me look. I'll be ok. I just need to slap myself around, and yell at myself. Basically I snap myself out of it.

I think it would be nice to be hit on for a change. To have someone approach me, and flirt with me. It's been years since someone has actually hit on me. It feels good.

I want to lose weight so I can turn heads again, and feel good about myself. I have been a bit down. Halloween hit, I went on a chocolate binge, and well....so much for losing 15lbs. It went on faster than it came off. For the last hour I have picked up, and put down a mini oh henry bar. I am having issues with myself, and fighting a mindless urge. I won't be thinking and I'll pick it up, then as I am about to open it. I fight it, and put it down. I am only eating because I am bothered by this MS shit.

FUCK! GET A GRIP AMBER!

Ahhhhh! Welcome to my world.

I need a nap. Damn MS....I am always tired. But I have started working out my legs again, so here's hoping I can rebuild strength.

I just wish I was 17 again. All that mattered was my next high, smoking, and getting laid.

Alas, drugs have popped up in my life again.

Drugs ruined my life. They killed off anything good going on in my life, and any security or trust I ever had. Now the media is trying to shove drugs down my throat. Trying to say that pot is good for me and my MS. So the one thing that has destroyed me life is all I have to look forward to?

Ya well, guess what triggered the fear, the freakout, and the questions.

Is spending the rest of my life high all I have to look forward to anymore?

I quit for a reason. I can't go back to it. I don't want to lose myself in it. I did once, but no one knows. They only saw the control. If I was to do it again, I would lose myself in it again. My son deserves more than that out of life.

It's a quick fix. If I am high then I don't feel the physical pain. I am too fried to care about my health, and the world is funny....no more depression.

Who knows. Science wants me fried. Maybe I should be.

No, I'd rather be dead.

Drugs ruined my life. They ruined my happiness. I don't need to have my son grow up with his mom being high all the time. I want him against the shit, not thinking it's ok.

I'm torn. Can you tell? All of this shit is tearing me apart inside. Half of me wants to self destruct, the other half wants me to fight.

So I sit here, and slowly go blind, and try to find the humor in it all.

I think I need to get a new tattoo. I need to feel normal and alive again.

Ya..

A new tattoo.

Ink fixes everything.

IVY

Quiet-Bitch!

~WTF?~ - Saturday, Mar. 25, 2017
~Relaxation~ - Tuesday, Sept. 01, 2015
~The hunt is on.~ - Tuesday, Aug. 04, 2015
~Sometimes~ - Friday, Mar. 21, 2014
~Fawk~ - Tuesday, Jan. 07, 2014