I swear I am such a fucking dumbass!

So it's almost 7am, and I am still up. I went and got hooked on neopets again, and wound up playing games all fucking night. Yay me!

I've come to the conclusion that I need to stop watching Boy's Don't Cry. It fucks my head too much now. I think I actually miss Jays gender issues. As odd as that sounds. But her gender issues are easier to handle then her drugs. Dealing with that shit seems like a joy compared to this shit. I would rather deal with a gf who wants a sex change, than a fucking junkie. Atleast knowing she was transsexual would mean alot of ppl wouldn't want anything to do with her. But a fucking junkie....well, everyone wants their own junkie. Someone to entertain them with the mad amounts of drugs they can consume in an hour. Not to mention learning how to do the hard shit properly.

I was riding in my moms car, on the way to her place for supper. All I could think of was cocaine. It's everywhere here. So easy to get your hands on. Just look for an immigrant in a nice car, and you have the shit in your hands.

Well, I was thinking about it. Here I sit passing judgement. Perhaps I am the one on the wrong side of the tracks. I mean, if it's such a good fucking escape, then why am I not on it? Jay was doing the shit, why the fuck don't I? Other than being broke that is.

Then I started to daydream, and fantacize. I actually could envision myself doing lines. I started to calculate the amounts, and how I would have to start out slow, and small in what I did until I built up an immunity. It may have only been a daydream, but I realized I don't think I could ever mainline. Thats just a bit much, and smoking crack? Well, I have seen too many ppl with burns on their lips from their glass pipes heating up too much. But snorting.....I could do that. It's nothing to put shit up your nose. Fuck knows I have put enough odd things up my nose....an example is about dec, of 1993. I was hanging with friends, when my bud and I decided to play with instant hot chocolate mix. I snorted the shit. 1 line per nostril, and he rolled it in a paper, and smoked it like a joint. That was around the time I drank a bottle of tabasco sauce....just to prove I could without getting sick, or feeling the heat. I had a good shit the next day though. Christ, back then we would line glass bottles up on the back porch, and play golf. We practiced our drive. lol Yellone "FORE!" then SMASH! Fuck that was fun. I called it my therapy. It was great.

But as I was saying....putting shit up my nose is probably the way I would go. I grew a coke nail. My pinky on my left hand reached a length of almost an inch. I bit it off tonight. Infact I bit all my nails back until they bled. Now everything I touch causes me pain. Fuck is it nice though. Tonight I took up the fun part of cutting. Picking at the assortment of scabs. You rip them off, and gush with blood, and it makes the cuts hurt 3x as bad as when you originally cut.

My life is so fucking pitiful now. I swear I am going nowhere fast.

On a happy note, I do believe Jade and I made a semi odd connection tonight. We realised we are more alike then we knew. From the same fears, to those fears being created the same way, to reacting to people the same way. That was a fucked chat. I still don't know wether to feel disturbed, or a strange comfort. It fucks your head when you talk to someone who speaks the shit cycling in your head.

There is a 17 yr old guy in Washington State who I speak to. We bullshit about different bands we like, and basically listen to the exact same shit. Tonight he told me about a girl he worships that he wants to ask out. I laughed. I still remember being 17, and how great it was then. I spoke to him about this drug bullshit going on, and he just said that he doesn't think she would have done it here, and that he thinks she just needs more discipline. lol That cracked me up. The funny thing is, I chat with this guy, and have for about a month now.....but, I never did get his name. I guess it was never important. I basically bs with him when I want to talk music, and normal everyday life.

This was a really fucked up weekend. Geoff blew me off completely. It was the weekend when we usually go out, and he completely blew me off. I guess he got bored of me then. Oh well. I guess I really don't have anyone anymore. Not that I am surprised. I mean, who the fuck would want to hang with a headcase like me.

Well, I suppose I should go lie down, and attempt some sleep. I have no reason to be up, and if I stay up I will wind up on neopets again, and won't get any sleep at all.

Great. I just realized that I get drilled tomorrow. Now I am tripping out, and won't sleep worth shit. Fucking yay.

Oh well, I'm gonna go do something counter productive.

night, morning, afternoon....whatever it is when you read this.

I'm out!

IVY

Quiet-Bitch!

~WTF?~ - Saturday, Mar. 25, 2017
~Relaxation~ - Tuesday, Sept. 01, 2015
~The hunt is on.~ - Tuesday, Aug. 04, 2015
~Sometimes~ - Friday, Mar. 21, 2014
~Fawk~ - Tuesday, Jan. 07, 2014