There comes a time in everyones life when the shit must hit the fan.

This morning it did.....relatively speaking.

Got me new cream for the almighty ecxema, Got the go ahead from my family dr. to apply for disability. Made him laugh when I said "I admit defeat!". Then I inquire about being referred to a new shrink. He says why? So I start to go into it, talking like a gerbil on speed of course....a couple minutes in, he throws his hands up into the air, and bursts out laughing. "Ok, ok, I'll send you to a new one. How about a female this time? Would that be better?" Cue amber deflating like a balloon with a leak.

Thats 3 down. Only 3-4 more to go. I have to go for blood tests next, book an appt with a health nurse, see a diff counsellor, then go from there. Too much shit to do when you are sick. Of course I am in the middle of a severe anxiety attack that has me ready to faint. FUCK! You see, I just called the shrink I was seeing, to tell him I am uncomfortable with him, and intimidated by him. I explained that as he may have noticed, I will be ill, and miss an appt. Then it takes a month of freaking out, and working myself up to be able to call him up. Ya, I'm a pussy. I just can't handle it. He is the most meek, pitiful, and geeky guy I have ever seen. His voice is so soft it puts you to sleep....but I just can't do it with him. I want help so bad, but I freeze up with him. He told me that he agreed, and I needed to go where I was most comfortable. I thanked him like a blabbering idiot. Scared all the time that he was gonna scream at me. I am such a pussy I swear. Jay scared the shit out of him, and she's little. But I am scared of him. Maybe a chick will be better. So now I am waiting for a call from the dr. office, to tell me who my new shrink is, and when the first appt. is set for. And all I can think is.....She will need my file from him...what if he has written down that I'm a bad person? A whiner? That there is nothing wrong with me? That I don't listen to what I am told? That I am a deranged drug addict or some shit?

Yay.

See how my fucked up mind works? I have phobias, the pills trigger them, the shrink says to take them to stop the trigger, and I go insane. No one listens. They all think I am faking it. Am I really? Or is there something wrong with me? I want to know what his dx of me was. Probably just depression and anxiety. But if thats the case, pills would slow my mind. Wouldn't they? Self psychoanalysis sucks! I wish I knew what was wrong with me, and why I can't talk to ppl.

I started this diary to be able to get my cycling thoughts out. It turned into a major form of communication with my gf. A way to let her into the dark. But I still hold back. I still swallow alot, and ignore tons. I freak over simple things, and tackle the complexities. I mean, I know I have extreme issues with rejection, that have only compounded over the years. Poor Jay gets put through the ringer with that. If I don't have 100% of her attention, 100% of the time.....fuck to I freak on her head. My mind says she doesn't really want me, and all this is a lie, and a joke at my expense. If someone is online and doesn't say hi, I am convinced that they hate me, and are only being nice to try to get rid of me.

I suppose thats why I am so comfy with multiples. If they don't talk, it's because they either can't, or just don't feel upto it, or aren't allowed by their alters. It is a million doff things. Part may be me, but not all. If a convo seems to drop off, I blame myself, and run away. Then I hide for ages. I have ids no one knows about, not even Jay. So I can see who is online, but they can't see me. That way I can be curious, but don't have to talk.

Some ppl know other ids, that aren't public, so if I see someone come online, I can log on under the name they can see me on. That way I can limit the knowledge of others. I am forever hiding in fear. I am confrontational, yet always scared. Nice mix huh?

I look at this entry and can hear ppl say "shut up, you don't know what problems are. Quit whining already!". It's harsh man. I doubt every though, every emotion. My mom always told me there was nothing wrong with me. I was 13 and was imagining how I would kill individual ppl, when I rode the bus somewhere. But that isn't strange? I imagined every detail, smell, sound.....but I was normal? If thats normal, then what is fucked?

I dunno. Maybe I should just shut up,put on a happy face, and pretend life is sunshine and rainbows, and that I piss rose water, and shit butterflies.

Fuck it!

I need a nap.

IVY

Quiet-Bitch!

~WTF?~ - Saturday, Mar. 25, 2017
~Relaxation~ - Tuesday, Sept. 01, 2015
~The hunt is on.~ - Tuesday, Aug. 04, 2015
~Sometimes~ - Friday, Mar. 21, 2014
~Fawk~ - Tuesday, Jan. 07, 2014