Ok, Jay fucked up again, and blamed it on me. *sigh*

Sunday night she told me Amanda's funeral was weds. Today she shits on my head saying she told me it was today. Ummmm.....no. Sorry, I was told the flight was today so that she wouldn't have to know about the funeral tomorrow. Good then.

Now that we sorted that out, she will be here tomorrow evening. Good.

But, today at the funeral, she started to severely miss me, and a kid popped out. His name is Jackyll, and he is 4. He watched part of the funeral in sheer fascination, and Jay couldn't get him to go back in. It seems he likes to live upto his name. lol Both Jay and I were all "hey kickass name". Some things just never change.

So, I ask Jackyll why he is here, and he said that it was because Jay misses me. He said he comes when she misses me really bad. Then he told me that he first showed up on her first flight home after being here. That was March of 2001. When this diary was first started.

I sat back and thought about it. He told me he was created to help her when she misses me. But he is 4...he couldn't have been created in 2001, and be that age. This of course has me wonder about things. Well, I get curious and say "you are 4, were you originally created, then took over this aspect?" Ye said yes. Fascinating!

The kids are recycling if you will. We figured out that no new kids have been created since Jay met me. The last ones created were when she was 18. I met her when she was 18 and a half. The splits stopped there. It seems that when the abuse stopped, and she was out of the situation, the kids had no reason to be around, and nothing to help Jay with anymore, so they pick up other issues, and become solely for that reason.

When Jay started to freak out and miss me, she said it was really bad. Jackyll said it called him, and pulled him out. Now get this......Jackyll is covered in all sorts of wounds. Half of them are from parental abuse......the other half are from Jay. He has the wounds from all the self harm she did when she missed me. Talk about a guilt trip for Jay huh? Shit!

Poor Jackyll though. Jay wouldn't let him in the house, and it really hurt his feelings. I came online to her being on here, and she was tripping about a kid being in alter world who shouldn't be there, and that he was trying to get in the house, and they couldn't hold him off forever. What do I say? "um Jay, if he is outside the door, and in alter world, then obviously he was called out, and is there for a reason." I get a "oh ya" then she says "hold on" to let him in, and then says he is running around like a maniac. Then *poof* he is talking to me 50 miles an hour about how he knows I am "mumi" because he saw all the posters around alter world that say I am. That he recognized me from the posters. lol

Well, I found out why he was here, and had him put in a huge bubble bath, and he picked out a special suit. I never did find out which one though.

So to sum up what I found out tonight. When Jay triggers, and there is a massive rush of alters, they aren't new splits like I thought. They are the original splits being called out to deal with the trigger, and the situation. When it is done, they go back in. Picture if you will White blood cells rushing to bacteria, and killing it. Jays kids are an amazing well oiled machine. Fuck me is that cool!

So she hasn't split since 18, and every new kid we meet, was made before that. The creation of new alters stopped when the original abuse stopped. Of course new ones could be created from new abuse, like a rape or something. But the last rape on her 19th birthday didn't create a new one, because she blanked out, and took it all herself. So no one could be created, or come out. Fascinating.

I used to think that when a multiple triggered, or Jay I should say, that she would split new alters. Only I couldn't figure out why their ages were so young, when she isn't. But she doesn't split. The kids just rush out to help. That is way too cool.

So ya.....

I have made an appt to see my doctor. I am going to ask about him helping me get on disability, and I am also asking for him to refer me to a new shrink. I have seen this one for a year, and refuse to go back. He ignores the bad shit I say, asks about the mild shit. Has not helped me in any way, has managed to make me feel worse, and just pushes pills at me that trigger my fears, and ignores me telling him this. I am going to request a female shrink, who also has prior experience with multiples. I found out from my mom that she knows of 4 female shrinks who specialize here. So I am going to find me one. I don't need some idiot rolling their eyes, or telling me to kick Jay out. I need one who believes in mpd/did and will understand me speaking of the daily emotional roller coasters, without trying to get me to leave her. She is my one joy.....I don't need some freak thinking she is normal, and just being a cunt to me.

Here is hoping he can hook me up with one. I don't need drugs. I don't want a quick fix. I want to work my ass off, and do this on my own. But I want someone who will help me, not make me feel worse. If I needed someone to listen, and say nothing, then I would get a fucking counsellor, or therapist. Because they get paid to listen. Hell! I am better off with a fucking preist, than this balding fuck who ignores me, and throws drugs at me.

Well, there you go. I swear, I am gonna end up working my ass off, and going into university to take psychology. Maybe one day I can work my way up to being a psychiatrist. Then maybe I can work with multiples. I would be good at it I think. Considering I have been with one for almost 4 years now.

Maybe I could help a multiple just because I know what daily life is like?

Who knows.

IVY

Quiet-Bitch!

~WTF?~ - Saturday, Mar. 25, 2017
~Relaxation~ - Tuesday, Sept. 01, 2015
~The hunt is on.~ - Tuesday, Aug. 04, 2015
~Sometimes~ - Friday, Mar. 21, 2014
~Fawk~ - Tuesday, Jan. 07, 2014