It is my sincere opinion, that ppl fight more out of secual frustration, than any other thing.

I know for a fact I do. I mean, the last 2 months Jay was here, I was obsessed with her, and craving her every second, but I couldn't bring myself to touch her. Instead I cried myself to sleep, then fought with her the next day. You are probably wondering why I couldn't bring myself to touch her. Well, I am not one to force myself on someone. I really don't do that shit. I'll flirt, and if she responds, then I will creep up, and attempt to instigate something. Any slight show of hesitation on the other side, and I will immediately back off. I am timid alot of the time. To many ppl have forced me into shit, so I won't do it.

Well, we had fought in feb, and she made a comment about never wanting sex with me, but feeling pressured into it, or obligated. Well, it may have been words in the heat of the moment, but I am still affected by them. I am actually fearing her coming back. I am not looking forward to wanting her, but feeling an icy terror at the thought of instigating sex. I mean, all of march and april I basically cried myself to sleep nightly. I just don't like feeling like a rapist because I want my gf, and thats how I end up feeling. So I end up miserable, and she ends up feeling unwanted, and ugly.

Mental much?

Well, I suppose I atleast have the decency to not force her into anything. Of course BDSM is a diff thing. We will be sitting around, and I will ask her to do something for me....if she responds, then I start to tell her to do little jobs, if she responds to that, then she gets attacked. A happily submissive person will get me to respond. But I don't want a puppet. I don't want a 24/7 slave. It really isn't my thing. I rediscovered vanilla with Jay. Personally, I like it too. She makes me enjoy it. I just mix in some light bdsm.

I remember the first time I blindfolded her. She freaked out so bad, and cried so hard. Her past came rushing back so fast, but I never took it off. I consoled her, and eased her into it. She came so much harder, and so violently. I think to this day she will say that was the best.

I suppose the reason we seem to not have to many problems with sex.....in referance to her issues if you will........is because I take things slow, and try to make her feel special. I treat every time like the first time.

Oh god....the first time. I never gave her a chance to think, let alone say no to me. I don't even think she knew she was practically naked until I was on her. lol

Damn that was funny.

I was so hardcore wanting her, that I melted her brain. I used to go out of my way to make her silent. I would turn her on until she couldn't speak. She would just twitch. Couldn't even get out a grunt. Just dead silence. Sometimes I still do that. But as time has gone by, it's harder to get her to go silent.

I remember the first night we were sitting on the couch, and I reached over, grabbed her arm, and firmly planted her hand on me, giving her a nice handful of tit. Her eyes fucking bugged out, then she quickly caught herself and tried to act all casual. Needless to say, after a few I dragged her up to bed, and spent the next 4 hours showing her how much I wanted her. I have been addicted to her since. I don't need drugs when I have her, she is one to me.

I suppose my mind is just wandering tonight. I have been thinking about the past alot. Little details that remind me of so much. Like waking up at 6:45am every morning, and breaking into my moms room to use the comp. Turning it on, grabbing a glass of coke classic, and my Player's Light King Size cigarette's.Then sitting down, and immediately looking for her online when I couldn't even see straight yet. But the thrill was so amazing. I hadto track "him" down. Needed that connection that left me feeling amazing, and floating.

I remember small things, like the shirt that was sent to me. I kept it in the envelope it came in to preserve the smell on it. But at night I covered my pillow with it so that the smell surrounded me. Then in the morning it went back into the envelope, and under my pillow. Or having my stereo wake me up, and it was always "Throwing Copper" by Live in the cd player. I always woke to that cd. The entire time I was in that house, and waking to talk to her. I would get offline 15 min before my mom got gome from work, and I would make the room look like it did before I went in there, and then clean the house just in time for her to walk in the door. I dreaded the weekends, because the contact was severed. It would kill me. I had no contact in evenings either. So when I couldn't get online, I would go off with my bud, and get high. We would just get fucking fried, then sit and talk about the world. The only reason I could sleep was because I was burning out. Then at 6:45am, Throwing Copper started up, and I was on my feet in seconds. Always running for the comp in the hopes of having an email, or seeing that id on yahoo.

I hated my mom then. I only wanted to sit and talk to Jay all day, and all night. My mom would sit for hours playing solitaire, smoking, and picking her teeth with a fingernail. I would watch her, and want to kill her for being on there. We had the mac, she could have played soliraire on it, but nope. She had to be on the fucking IBM. Sometimes I would pick a fight with her, and piss her off to the point where she would let me on. But it was always 20 min before she had to go to bed. So I always hated her for it. I still find myself holding a grudge against her for those petty things. But Jay was/is my life, and she was getting in the way.

Then Jay and my mom started to chat online, and it all changed. Then she didn't mind me getting on there, and she would always sit with me, and the 2 of us would pick on her. That was great.

I can say, I still remember the last time Jay was on Heroin. I remember her coming online, and freaking out hysterically about a laced joint. I remember calming her down, and putting her to bed. Even before I really knew her, I was looking after her. No wonder JC got curious, and she started to trust me. I was so scared for her that night. I wanted to kill Debs because of it. I still hate her for everything she has done. The Ukrainian in me holds the grudges, we are almost as bad as a sicillian. I haven't forgotten anything that has happened to Jay, or who did it. Until karma comes around and bites them in the ass, I won't forget.

I laid in the dark last night, listening to one song over and over. I drifted on it mentally, and eventually started to doze. I was happily lulled to sleep by my baby's words, and drumming.

In the last 2 days, I think I have missed her more than the entire time she has been gone. Sometimes I wake up using her pillows, or wrapped in her comforter. Sometimes I call her when I am not awake yet, then cry because I wake up enough to realize she is in England. This is the longest we have been separated since Dec.2000.

So many bad things have happened, and so many harsh words have been said. This and another diary are the testament of that pain. But her past is always present in my mind, and her mpd is an excuse. When things getb really bad, and really hard. I find myself looking at pictures, and remembering how she smells, and feels in my arms. The bad shit just doesn't seem to matter anymore. Not when I can close my eyes, and mentally feel her in my arms. Ya it makes me cry in longing, but atleast I still love her enough to cry.

My memories and dreams are going to bed now. Because like it says in the song lyrics I posted before this, she is with me in my dreams at night. And right now I just want to be with her more than anything in this world.

Goodight.

IVY

Quiet-Bitch!

~WTF?~ - Saturday, Mar. 25, 2017
~Relaxation~ - Tuesday, Sept. 01, 2015
~The hunt is on.~ - Tuesday, Aug. 04, 2015
~Sometimes~ - Friday, Mar. 21, 2014
~Fawk~ - Tuesday, Jan. 07, 2014