And I wonder.....I won won won won wonderrrrrrr

Why.....why why why why why.....

So, I really am a simple person. I seem complex, but I'm simple. The complexity is all smoke and mirrors. It's almost stupid really. I get attention, and I'm content. All it takes is attention. My mom is the same, if she doesn't get enough attention she freaks out. My ex-stepfather never figured it out, and just labelled her a raging bitch. But I saw his neglect, and her lonliness.

Is it wrong for me to demand attention? Is it wrong for me to demand to be put ahead of everything else in Jays life? I mean, if her son was still here, I would happily step back, and of course put him first just like Satan. I even reached a point of stepping back, and not bitching over her spending all her time with her nieces. But I mean, if it isn't kids, then fuck that jazz!

I dunno....I know it's selfish, but I need the attention. It's an issue dating back to childhood. It's one of the reasons why I don't sit and scream "go play, get out of here!" to my son. Instead I do what I am doing, and chat with him while I do it.

I am gonna write a book on positive parenting. My son isn't violent, doesn't swear, has tons of free stuff given to him all the time by ppl in shops because he is quiet, and polite...fuck. And in Junior High health class, everyone made fun of me, and made comments about "imagine what ambers kids will be like". I remember the health teacher heard it, and gave a 10 min lecture to the class about how my kids are probably going to be the only ones out of anyone in the class, who won't be criminals, and druggies. It was embarassing, but nice at the same time. The odd thing is, she was right. She judged that on the fact that I was never a follower, I did what was best for me, and what I wanted. In a school of nothing but preps, jocks, and headbangers, I was the only punk. I failed gr.7 on purpose.....don't ask.lol ......and put up with 3 years of ppl trying to beat the shit out of me, and harassment that never ended. In gr.9 I had built up a reputation of being crazy, and was finally left alone. Then I went to the HS I wanted to, wound up on the street, and ended up being moved to a diff HS, and the harassment started again. I would be attacked in hallways full of jocks, have shit thrown at me, get hit with shit, and threatened. I always walked tall with my head up. It got really bad a few times. One night I was even confronted by about 200 students waving crosses at me, calling me a satanist, and saying repent or we will kill you. I still stood my ground. Let's just say, I laughed when I heard about Columbine. The day it was on the news I cheered, because I understood why it happened. All these ppl scream WHY? WHY? well, I'll tell you why. Because they teach you about racial discrimination in school, but not social discrimination. You can't be racist, but you can hate those who aren't carbon copies of yourself.

But with all that, I never changed who I was. I did my hair how I liked, dressed how I liked, and I just learned to act psychotic. Over the years I gained a form of respect. Thats how I can care less about who knows I'm a dyke, and what anyone thinks about how much of a cunt I am. So, back to what I was saying, all of that shit, all of the refusing to conform, and everything involved. Well, I use that knowledge to teach my son. I let him know that it's ok to be different. That it's ok be into your own thing. I spend alot of time with him just chatting about nothing much, but talking nontheless. If he needs help, I help him, but at the same time, I let him make mistakes so he can learn from them. I swear like a sailor, but Satan doesn't. He uses mild slang, and knows he can't swear until he is 18. But at 14 I think it was, we would teach him british slang to use. So I never actually said he couldn't swear, I said not right now. That simple change in wording has him laid back about it. He has no want to swear, because I removed the taboo part of it all.

I am by no means mother of the year, but my son is happy. He doesn't cry for no reason. He isn't violent or mean. He doesn't scream, fight, or freak out. But he does sing on the toilet. Go ahead and ask Jay.....for years that kid will go to unload himself, and you will here him singing. When he was 3 we went to a restaurant, and you could hear him in the dining area from the bathroom. He's hilarious. He is always smiling, laughing, or singing. He will play quiet in the same room with you if you are busy doing something, and need it a bit quieter. I am just amazed by him. I am all fucked up, yet everyone is amazed by him. I guess I am actually doing something right then. All I have done, is looked at how I was raised, and what they did wrong, and did the opposite. The more attention you give a kid, the less they need. as odd as that sounds. Satan doesn't cling to my leg, he gets attention when he needs or wants it, so it's like he gets his fix, then will go do his thing.

Ya I know....BRAG BRAG BRAG!

But I am the mom of a kid with manners, in a world full of asshole brats. I need my 15 min of fame. LOL

Well, that was annoying.

Where did that come from?

The point of this was about how much happier I am right now, because of Jays reaction to shit, and the attention she is piling on me. For example, I woke up to a nice email, then came in here to see the novel she left on my tag-board. It just made me feel good. I haven't felt good in so long now, that it's almost overwhelming. I'm finding myself calming down alot, and getting really laid back, and mellow.

Of course, I repaid her by fixing the whole board thing so she could walk away. I am going to teach her how to do that shit properly. I know she needs to hide her identity, and I don't mind. As long as I know whats going on. I hope she will realise that one day. But first, she needs a crash course in character development. lol

Well, everyone...cross your fingers. I was told there was a flight today, she and the kids are ginning over it, and I got an email saying she was off to the airport in 5 min, and it was almost 2 hours before her flight. Rather than her trying to lie about it, and always messing up the time diff, and emailing me like 2 hours after she should, or at the time the flight was to be taking off. I think this might be it. I think she might be coming. Of course it could be wishful thinking, but I want to have this moment of hope and belief.

I am gonna take a nap now, I have an incredible inner peace that I want to dwell on.

IVY

Quiet-Bitch!

~WTF?~ - Saturday, Mar. 25, 2017
~Relaxation~ - Tuesday, Sept. 01, 2015
~The hunt is on.~ - Tuesday, Aug. 04, 2015
~Sometimes~ - Friday, Mar. 21, 2014
~Fawk~ - Tuesday, Jan. 07, 2014