Well, saw the almighty Neurologist today.

On a good not, she found no new damage, and said that some of the old damage seems to be healing. My right leg is just fucked, and doesn't seem to be healing though.

I asked her a shitload of questions about shit that is going on with me, and got alot of answers I needed. It looks as if everything in me that is fucked up, is supposed to fuck up. Including the chronic pain in my legs and back. That made me feel a bit better. I told her how I needed to sit down and rest my legs after short walks, and she said that is normal. So that gave me a little peace of mind.

Then I asked her if she knew of any low impact workouts for ms patients. She told me of one, but said it will cost a bit. I decided I will find a place near me that offers it, and find a way to go. I am tired of the pain, and the weakness, and the weight. I want as much of it gone as I can. Just getting the money together might be a bit tight here. We shall see. Something else came up in our chat, but I need to do alot of soul searching on that subject. It's not really something I feel like talking to anybody about anytime soon. I need to be ready to face it on my own first.

After my appt, we went to Satan's swimming lesson. That seemed a bit better today. He is actually starting to listen, which is nice.

ahhhhhh! Some things in life make things bearable.

For instance. I am sitting in the dark with the fan on, the room is cool though it's 30 outside, and I am listening to OLP Live. I am actually almost relaxed.

Then there is me sitting in the waiting room at the neurologist's office. I was starting to fly into a serious anxiety attack. My dad just dropped me, and took off with Satan, so I was alone to face my fears. A man sat down next to me. He was wearing Obsession for Men. Some people load that shit on, and it just smells like it, but then there are guys like this one, where it mixes with their body chemistry, and actually changes slightly. The smell of him relaxed me. It reminded me of my teens. Not alot of ppl smell good wearing that shit. Like Geoff for example. He wears it, but it always smells like shit on him. He thinks he smells good, but he really doesn't. I was thankful this guy sat near me. He was so worried about his wife, she was being seen by another neurologist in the building. I felt bad for him, and just sat there drinking in the scent, and daydreaming of times when there was no weakness, no pain, and no bitterness. For those few minutes that he sat there, I got lost in my past. Then he was gone. And so were my memories.

It's funny how a smell can trigger shit so fucking vivid you think you are there when you close your eyes. I remember when I was 16 I used to ride the bus to school every morning with a guy that wore Drakkar. It mixed well with his body chemistry. I would zone out on the bus listening to Nitzer Ebb.....just lost in the smell, and the feeling of movement.

Those are the days when I wore white musk, or Poison. Days when you would run to a dept. store to spray yourself with a tester. And always spray too much, thus choking the entire class after lunch. Back in the days I started smoking because I could. I was bored, and had a smoke handed to me. So I smoked it on the way home from school that day. No peer pressure, just did it for the hell of it. 9 years later I quit. I still regret that decision. But my body was rejecting it. I had no choice. It was making me sick.

So ya....I'm a little lost in my thoughts this afternoon. It's crazy how a scent can take you racing back in time. Much like a song, or a food can.

Will I ever remember anything good about this point in my life?

How about tomorrow? Will sometging happen then that will make me feel good years from now?

I can only hope.

I guess thats why I nag Jay to buy a certain body spray she uses. It reminds me of the day I met her in person, at the airport, for the first time. That was a happy time too. I suppose life does hand you small mercy's sometimes.

Just not that often with me.

Not anymore anyway.

IVY

Quiet-Bitch!

~WTF?~ - Saturday, Mar. 25, 2017
~Relaxation~ - Tuesday, Sept. 01, 2015
~The hunt is on.~ - Tuesday, Aug. 04, 2015
~Sometimes~ - Friday, Mar. 21, 2014
~Fawk~ - Tuesday, Jan. 07, 2014