Some times it sucks being single, and some times it is necessary.

At what point should a person say "thats it, I've had enough"?Some people will argue, but no point in that. I think I have just reached the point of not caring anymore. I mean, what am I holding onto? And why?

I have been getting bitched out in emails from Jay today. Why? Because I have decided to walk away while I can still look at myself in the mirror. While I still have a grain of self respect. While I still have friends.....because of her, I am down to 1 friend left.

Since going out to the UK on May 1st, she has set her life up there, done drugs twice, and lied to me about a total of 7 flights. I'm sick of it.

I am going to be opening my older entries up again soon. I do not believe that this MCA shit is real. As acting manager I would have been contacted by them by now, and they haven't contacted me. It is all just what she says, and I find her word not worthy of wiping my ass after I shit.

She will call me down, call me weak, call me scared...blah blah blah. She will attack me constantly.....but I find it better to be dealing with that, then having someone you love lie to you.

"I promise from now on I will be honest...I'll see you tomorrow"

That was monday. She had no flight on tues. She lied in one sentence.

Oh but it gets better. I now apparently only want her for sex. I can barely feel myself to wipe after I piss. I have no feeling at all. My clit is dead, and I can't cum. How is it I suddenly only want sex? That was low. That was a child shouting insults on a playground. That was a dig at my MS. Yes, she is that low.

I did believe at one time that she loved me, but now I know she doesn't. She thinks she does, but it has changed to obsession. She doesn't want to be with me, but she doesn't want anyone else to be with me.

She threw a dig at me today, about how I am ignoring the kids. They have gone into hiding, they don't talk to me anymore. That in itself hurts me more than anything she has ever done. They were my world, they were everything to me. I have them on my mind always. But she is scaring them, so they ran away. I'm not ignoring them. I just never hear from them anymore. But as with everything in her world. It is my fault.....always my fault. She chose to lie to me about 7 fucking flights. But it is my fault. She heard me cry over the phone to her over how much I needed her, and wanted her here. But it is my fault. She had me beg her for any type of contact. But it is my fault.

No, when she left, she was planning on leaving for good. She was in the uk for something like 3 days when she went on the dole. No one goes through 3 weeks of bullshit to get that piddly amount of money, unless they are staying out there. And like the idiot I am, chose to believe anything she told me. I chose to believe her about every flight, and I chose to listen to her.

Does anyone have any idea the amount of pain I am in? All I wanted was her....she will say that I am lying....she always does. But all I wanted was her. Her in my life. Her by my side. Her to love me. And I am hated. Clinging to a dream that will never be. I told her before she went that she was to come back signed, or with a visa, because I was tired of having her ripped away from me. Well, she said she got a visa.....but why not come straight here? Why not tell me the truth? I could have waited forever for her to arrive, as long as I knew she wouldn't be leaving for a long time. But, instead I was lied to repeatedly.

I blame myself for listening to her. For believing her. For wanting to believe her in the first place. But after 77 days of being without her I think I should wake the fuck up. There is no MCA amber, there are no flights amber, she is probably on drugs again amber, she is just fucking with you amber.

I know every argument, and insult she will hit me with. I have heard them millions of times. You know the drill. IO don't care, I never wanted her in the first place, I was looking for a way out, she knew I couldn't handle it....yadda yadda.

The truth of it.

I wanted her enough to believe every lie she told.

I wanted her enough to not care what people thought of me.

I wanted her enough to not care about anything but her coming back.

Her last email had her threatening suicide, and drugs.

I don't care anymore. I'm not going to say "don't do it". I just don't want to know anymore. I don't want the lies anymore. I don't want to hurt anymore. And I know that the kids would stop her anyway. She wouldn't die. She would just get ugly on the outside, to match the inside.

No, I'm not upset. I'm not mad. I'm not crying. I'm not anything. I am at the end of my rope, and have decided what is best for me.

If she wants me, she knows where to find me. But I'm not waiting anymore, and I'm not listening anymore.

I understand that she is the only person who will ever understand my inability to have sex, and therefore I will probably never be with anyone else. And maybe that is why I chose to believe her. Maybe it was desperation.

Bottom line, I think the only way I would ever get into another relationship, is if I happened to find another multiple who wanted me. It hurts saying that, because I love the kids so fucking much, but when the host hates you....can you still be ok with the kids. Because they never say anything to me anymore.

Why do I say a multiple? Because they know what it is to live a life of hell. To always have the ppl you love hurt you. To not be able to trust. And they also understand that sex isn't the most important thing in life, and that sometimes the past stops you from being able to do it. I have never been as understood as I was by her. I just wish she loved me enough to be with me.

Well, enough of that. I went and upset myself now. Stupid prick that I am.

It's done. It's over. Don't look back. Just be yourself. And above all.....get used to being by yourself, because no one else will ever want you.

I just wish she did.

Well, I better hit the button that says done, and brace myself for the backlash.

I just wanted things as they were. The kids sitting on the floor next to me painting, or drawing me pix.

My son just wanted her here to play with him, and love him.

And me?

I wanted her.

So be it.

IVY

Quiet-Bitch!

~WTF?~ - Saturday, Mar. 25, 2017
~Relaxation~ - Tuesday, Sept. 01, 2015
~The hunt is on.~ - Tuesday, Aug. 04, 2015
~Sometimes~ - Friday, Mar. 21, 2014
~Fawk~ - Tuesday, Jan. 07, 2014