Well, I had sat down last night, and spent 2 and a half hours typing up a 10k email to Jay.

I told her how I felt, how she was treating me, how I couldn't take it anymore, and how I was leaving her for good. AOL being the ass that it is, never let the email get to her. I stumbled across a diary that she had made on the sly, and finally saw the real reason for the last month of hell she put me through. So I left a message in the diary, and made my presence known. Then I got the idea of adding a new id she had made to my aim. What do you know? She was online in hiding. So, I confronted her about what the fuck was going on in her head. I confronted her on the contents of this other diary.

She stammered a bit online, and I called her up.....at this point she still hadn't read the email I sent. She finally came clean on everything. She said she was scared to tell me, because she was scared of my reaction. Funny though, everytime she has ever come clean with something, I have calmed, relaxed, and quietly accepted the truth. I live my life brutally honest, and ask nothing but honesty from those around me. You have no idea of the frustration I go through when I know she is lying, but she refuses to own upto it. Instead she attacks me, and screams at me. I'm not as stupid as I look sometimes. I learned to read people when I was 16, and I have known her for almost 4 years. I think I know when she is hiding something. So basically, she put me through hell for something that I didn't even raise an eyebrow over. She felt kinda dumb, or she gave me that impression.

I asked her about the email I sent. She said she never got it, I had to resend it. She read it, and reality hit. I picked apart every feeling I had, and everything that had gone on between us. And I said goodbye in that email. She finally realised exactly what she put me through, and how much she tore me apart. She saw my finality. My ending. My completion. She saw my raw bitterness, love, and hate all in one. She sounded like it hit home. But I question that too. I wonder if she has brushed it off like everything else I have ever said to her.

She swore to be nothing but honest to me. I wonder if she ever could be. She said this to me before, back in 2000.....everything ended up back like this. Will it happen again?

She told me of all the things I had to change, I pointed out that I had already changed those things, and that she never noticed, because she didn't change what she needed too. I compared the past with the present, and showed the difference in me. I pointed out what she was doing, what she had to change, and how everything was bad, because of her actions, not mine. I explained alot about what went on in my mind, how sometimes I ask for space because my past creeps up on me. How sometimes I just need to talk, and she brushes me off. How sometimes my MS gets the better of me, and I fall apart. How I don't want her to see the pain inside me to the full extent of it all. I explained how when I was trying to open up to her, and she would cut me off because she was only half assed listening to me, how it would hurt, and I would close up again, and then be upset sometimes for a week, because I needed to talk and I was shut down.

We talked on the phone for just about 7 hours. But I wonder how much of it sunk in. Does she think everything is sorted, and we are fine? Because we aren't. Ya, the truth all came out. But she seems to dismiss things as soon as she hears them. Or she doesn't fully pay attention. Alot of the time I look at her as being Homer Simpson. Like when I talk to her she has dancing donuts in her head, and she is just going through the motions of active listening. We will sort something out, 10 min later she is asking me a question about something we already sorted. Like she didn't listen to a thing. 2 hours later she goes back to being exactly who she was before the talk, as if it never happened at all. She blames it on detox, I blame it on her just not listening, and not wanting to know.

So, as with most people, when this happens, I get hurt. I get frustrated. I feel like what I have to say is not important. I feel my feelings are not importand, and finally...that I am not important at all. Then she says I am important, but I get treated the other way. I have always said actions speak louder than words. You can say you love me until you are blue in the face, but if you don't listen to me when I need to speak...then that I love you means nothing to me at all.

I find it relatively impossible to tell a person I love them on the best of days. How can I say it to someone who acts as if I am nothing? Easy. I can't, and I don't. I lock my feelings up, and I turn cold. I have been without love all of my life, going without again is nothing. You can't miss what you have never had. Almost 4 years, and she is still a complete stranger to me in some ways. She knows that if she comes here, she will be on my couch, as I am not comfortable sleeping next to someone who has absolutely no trust from me. It would be like me grabbing someone off the street, and sleeping next to them. I just can't do it.

I am fully prepared to remove her from my life permanently. Infact, I did right before she started to own up to shit. The only reason I am speaking to her, is because she started to tell me the truth. Thats about it. The next time I catch her lying. I will shut down my emotions, and I will forget she exists. I just went through a month of hell, because she doesn't respect me enough to be honest with me. I will NOT do it again. All I can offer at the moment is friendship. It will be awhile before anything else can be considered...if it ever will be again.

Honesty is everything to me. The truth keeps me calm. Lying to me, makes me violent. I am a black and white person. No hidden secrets. Not complicated at all. All you need to do is ask, and I will tell. You don't have to figure me out. There is a method to my madness. Everything I do is perfectly calculated, and has a reason behind it. Too many people see me as being complex, and try to figure me out, instead of just straight up asking. It's those people who lie to me, and cheat on me. It's those people I grow to hate.

(Women whose ribs stick out, anre nasty looking. I hate anorexic looking bitches)

IVY

Quiet-Bitch!

~WTF?~ - Saturday, Mar. 25, 2017
~Relaxation~ - Tuesday, Sept. 01, 2015
~The hunt is on.~ - Tuesday, Aug. 04, 2015
~Sometimes~ - Friday, Mar. 21, 2014
~Fawk~ - Tuesday, Jan. 07, 2014