They say "sleep on it, it will be better in the morning". Whoever originally said that....I wanna deck them.

I, for the first time in almost 20 yrars, had a bad dream last night. It woke me up at like 5am. I woke up, looked at the time, and found myself saying "what was that all about?" then I fell back asleep. When I got up this morning it took me about 5 min to remember what I read last night. I now know what that was all about.

She had tumors on her appendix when she had it taken out 7 years ago. According to this information, it can take anywhere from 8-23 years for tumors to start growing back after complete removal of the original tumors. She was fully poked, prodded, and scanned yesterday, and is currently clear of tumors. But, that is for now. That doesn't mean anything about the next few years. This info actually says that they WILL grow back. It spoke of chemotherapy treatments, and hard drugs that the patient takes, and all sorts of shit. Jesus Christ! It even said that they prescribe Interferons! For those of you that don't know what that is....it's an Immunoinhibitor that is prescribed for patients with MS. That totally fucked my head. They use the Intrferon to combat the hormone secretion from the tumors.

She didn't read the info.....I did. I saw the reality of the situation. Where as she looks to be perfectly normal now, that can infact change. It isn't guaranteed to stay that way. I'm finding this really hard to deal with. Actually, I am finding it extremely hard to deal with.

You see, physically I am getting very bad. I have no balance, and some days can barely walk at all. I find it really hard to function normally, so Jay helps me out. I guess I kinda see her as invincible. She protects me, looks after me, and helps me. She is invincible in my eyes. This shit can't happen to her. I always saw it as me in a wheelchair, and her pushing me. The 2 of us growing old together. Two 90 year old women, sitting on a porch, making fun of the ugly people walking by. You know, it's bad enough that I am faced with confronting my own mortality...I can't deal with having to confront hers.

I made the decision last night. If she goes, I go. I won't let her jump alone. I will follow her into the next life. I have been looking for her for 3 lifetimes. I knew I was looking for her when I was 19. I just always thought she was a guy. The first time I spoke with her, I knew that I found who I have been searching for. I will not let her go. I don't want to be looking for her for the next few lifetimes again. No...if she junps, I jump. Together we can take on anything, alone we are shit. I will not sit back, and watch all that is good in my life leave me again. It hurts too much.

Still crying. I cried myself to sleep, and have been crying since I got back from taking the boy to school. I just can't deal with this shit.

I don't want to.

IVY

Quiet-Bitch!

~WTF?~ - Saturday, Mar. 25, 2017
~Relaxation~ - Tuesday, Sept. 01, 2015
~The hunt is on.~ - Tuesday, Aug. 04, 2015
~Sometimes~ - Friday, Mar. 21, 2014
~Fawk~ - Tuesday, Jan. 07, 2014