So, I never made it to my shink appt.

Nope......not at all.

Last night I had an all out severe nervous breakdown. I screamed until I lost my voice, I cried until I was almost sick. I pinned Jay down, and screamed at her for almost 2 hours. I screamed out my fears, my wants, my needs, and I finally told her about what was in my head.

I discussed my will with her. Told her what I planned to do, and how I planned to go. I told her what I needed her to do when I was gone before my mom came in to clean out the apt. I told her where I wanted Satan to go, and who should have him. I told her what I wanted to be buried in, how I wanted to be buried and not burnt. I told her every detail of it all. I even told her that I would be back as one of my sons kids, but until then, I would be watching over her.

I told her that she wasn't allowed to go back to Heroin, that I was proud of her for nearing her 3rd year of being clean. I made her promise not to hate me for leaving. I made her promise that no matter what she would do her music for me. That she would continue recording, and making CDs.

I told her how long I had been planning it, and why. She seemed to understand. When I finally finished, I couldn't even sit upright. I was spinning out of control. Jay put me to bed, and pet me until I fell asleep.

She woke me in the morning, and I felt so ill from it all, that I told her I didn'y think I could go to my appt. All she said was that it was okay, then she kissed me, pet me, and said bye....then she went with Satan on a field trip. I tried to get up....but I couldn't. I just wound up back in bed. I was so ill.

I remember dreaming that Jay was at the top of the stairs calling me up to see what the rabbits were doing. She was whispering. Then I started to wake up.....she was saying my name over and over. Finally I woke up to her saying my name really loud.....I opened my eyes, and she wasn't in the room. I started calling her. I must have laid there quietly calling her for about 10 min. Finally she showed up in the room. I was scared that something happened to her. But she came in, and started chatting at me. I then gave her shit for waking me up.

You see....Jay and I are soulmates. She was calling to me in her head, and I heard her in my sleep. We have a mental connection. I can voice what she is thinking. We sort of think as one person. She was concentrating on me hearing her, and the bitch woke me up. Atleast she felt bad for waking me.

I'm gonna have Jay call my shrink tomorrow, and explain why I wasn't there today. He doesn't listen to me, but what she says is gospel....so I let her deal with him. She likes how he is scared of her too.

So, yet again I have cracked up. I guess it was a matter of time. Thank goddess I have a gf who can handle me, and who listens to me. She doesn't mind that I am mental. It's funny you know....We don't fight, we blow off steam, then wind up closer. I guess thats why we have been together for 3 years now. As of Feb.15...it's 3 years. The longest either of us have been with anyone. It's almost scary that we are as tight as we are.

I knew I was going mental last night....I didn't want to talk to the kids. I always want to.

Geez....I wonder what tomorrow will bring.

Laterz

IVY

Quiet-Bitch!

~WTF?~ - Saturday, Mar. 25, 2017
~Relaxation~ - Tuesday, Sept. 01, 2015
~The hunt is on.~ - Tuesday, Aug. 04, 2015
~Sometimes~ - Friday, Mar. 21, 2014
~Fawk~ - Tuesday, Jan. 07, 2014