I speak best with music, and as you may have noticed the song on here has changed.

Why has it changed? Well, take time out to listen to the lyrics.....they are very precise to say the least, and we all know who this song is directed to.

Ya you fucking cunt, I know you have been reading this religiouslly. The day after April arrived, I got a nice lil bullshit email.....

Date: Sat, 26 Feb 2005 08:54:02 EST
Subject: to you....(not a bad email)
To: [email protected]

amber,
i have contemplated this for the last week and wasn't sure if i should do this at all, but REALLY i haven't said how i felt about this all, i just waffled on, got offended and attacked.....not my style really.
This is all of it, the whole raw truth, you can take it as you please but i want to let youknow, it's all out there on the table.
I know you don't believe me but i am truly sorry for the way i've hurt you, i'm sorry for letting shit get out of control and i tried to make you look like the dickhead.
i do miss you youknow, i wish i could of done all of this more responsibly and civalised rather then some bitching match "my dogs bigger then your dog" i don't hate you and i know deep down there is still a part of me that loves you......yes you hurt me, but i hurt you too and i know i did and i don't just mean now, i mean in the last 4 years. i am head fucked by lots of it and it is fucking in my relationship now because i swear it is really really strange dealing with someone who isn't you.
i am aware of everything that i've done to you, i think deep down i just let the drugs take hold, i'm so desperately trying to not be some "dirty junkie" but in truth i failed and i'm failing, i keep asking myself did i stay for the drugs or did i stay for char. until i'm off the gear i guess it will be hard to tell. i know how i feel for her but i also know my head is off someplace else half of the time too.
i didn't plan out to hurt you, and this isn't to make me feel better in any way, this is me letting youknow that i know i fucked up and i just really wish we could reconsile and be m8's, honestly i think my life would be pretty fucking odd without you in it somehow, even if it is only by email.
i honestly cant express to you how much i wish you were happy, i think of u and wonder how u r. i really don't want you to toss my important shit (pics,grades etc) i know thats alot to ask considsering i've been a prick but that is shit i can not replace and i will pay to have them back or make some compromise with you, if you want the rings for them its a deal, anything.
i didn't throw ure shit out, why would i? you and i had good times and i try to remember that, i know you loved me and i loved you, i don't want to forget that, so no i never threw it out.
amber please find happiness and don't let the bastards grind you down. i can't help being me, i can't help that i fucked up but i can appologise emmensly for doing it the way that i did....it wasn't your fault.
and sending the link to your dad was a low blow, but amber youknow i'm gunna react if ure going to go on and on about my eyes, youknow i can't just lay back and take it.
i do appologise for it, but i am sorry and i don't want to make an enemy of you.
i'd best go now but hold on in there because you are a person the world can't do without.
claire
ps.email me at yahoo! if you have anything to say......please don't use this as ammo agaisnt me
and as for the kids,it is a shame that they hid off the way that they did but amber i know u miss them but i am coping without them, i think i just need to be me
relax.......take everything in your stride and don't hang out with the crazies, be good to yourself and k

Awwwwww.....how sickeningly sweet. But....wait....I am happy. WTF???

You mean to tell me that I am just supposed to let it all go. To ignore all the shit that was said and done? Brush off the fact that you played me with bullshit "I love you"'s while you were with someone else? I'm supposed to let you have your cake and eat it too?

How about NOT!

You see, I let alot of shit slide when we were together. When I found out that that supposed "Icon" cd was the soundtrack for "The young person's guide to being a rockstar" I let it go. Infact I let go of alot of bullshit. I was aware of every lie you told me, and goddess knows that 90% of everything you have ever said to me is bullshit. Including every I love you, and admission to wanting to be here with me since Nov.
You see, Jan.31st I heard my heart shatter when I heard you laugh at me. Like I was some sick fucking joke to you. Not anymore.

You see, my world fell apart on me. Feb.14th of 2004 I actually opened myself upto you. I finally reached a point where I trusted you enough to let you have all of me. All the fighting, of which there hadn't been much since 2002, stopped. We started to co-exist on a diff level. I slid deeper in love with you. You became the centre of my world. You became my reason for existence on this planet. I became happy, content, and relaxed. I felt closer to you than I ever had, and I was always closer to you than anyone I have ever known. But after I let myself slide I fell so deeply inlove with you, that nothing else mattered in life. I trusted you with my fucking heart. I had plans for us to go to Van. in the summer. I was prepared to fully commit to you, despite the shit you have put me through, you were still the one I chose. I went out and spent $120 on Crue tix, and they were going to be handed to you on the 5th anniversary, as a present TO YOU. Always thinking of you, and what you liked. Always trying to put a smile on your face. After all was said and done, I realized why you didn't get excited when I told you about them. Well, next weekend when I am high as a fucking kite, and watching them play, just know that I WON'T be thinking about you.

But yes, I was fully prepared to forever yours, and to have the ultimate "Us against Them".

But........

What did you do?

You didn't board the plane, and gave me some excuse of needing to sort your head, then you would come here. You even told my father that this is where your heart lies..........hmmmmm....see that? LIES. I like the lovely person I am, took that at face value. When I confronted you about you no longer wanting me, and all of it being over, you said no...that you just needed time to sort your head. You asked me not to leave, but to be patient. I now know that you just wanted to wait for the time to be right so you could go in for the kill.

GAME OVER

Now after nearly killing me......too dramatic for you? Well, let me spell it out for you.....

I kept my tits on hold while others wanted me because of RESPECT for you. Imagine that? I never cheated on you, and you always knew what I was upto. I hid nothing. I spoke to you on yahoo, and you seemed shocked that I was always good. I told you that you were worth more to me than all that. You responded with shock, and how you have never known anyone to love you that much. Little did I know..........

I spoke to you for an hour on that Saturday, and you agreed with me when I said that if it wasn't for the drugs you and the kid would have nothing in common. I called that following monday morning to see if you went through with what we spoke of, about cutting down on the drug use. You seemed rushed because you had to go out, but at the same time seemed glad to hear from me. You told me to call you back. Little did I know.......

The anxiety attack began at 3am when my phone rang. Imagine that moment when I was informed that I was an obsessed prick, and that you had been fucking her since Nov. Geez, wasn't that lovely? How nice of you to let me in on that lil tidbit of info. Oh no, instead you play me because you know that my feelings are true, and I'll fall for it. I had to hear it from the kid. You lacked the fucking balls to even tell me in an email.

Then the fun began. You and the kid attack, harrass, and do everything in your power to destroy me. Geez thanks. No really, I had so much fun.

The first 48 hours after I heard you laugh at me, and she hung up, I had an anxiety attack whenever I started to doze off. I didn't sleep for 2 and a half days. I just laid on my bed, and wished for some form of oblivion. Anything to stop the pain. And you 2 kept coming at me. When I could finally sleep, it's all I wanted to do. You see, when I was asleep, I couldn't think or feel. Now eating....that was fun. I went almost a week without food. Geez, I wonder why I have lost damn near 50 lbs since you didn't board that plane. No, food was something I couldn't even attempt. When you have a week long severe anxiety attack, and might I take this time to thank you for fucking off with every last ativan in my apartment......that was really kind of you. That lil tidbit of info sent me whirling into an even more severe anxiety attack. That broke me, I admit it. But, as I was saying, a week long anxiety attack, in which you are so fucking nauseous that you can't even swallow anything to drink....well, how long can the human body survive for? IT CAN'T!

So, I was left for dead. But as you can see, I'm still fucking alive, I'm a survivor. You nearly fucking killed me, but I was taken that following friday to a girls place, and I smoked a joint. That night I ate for the first time since the past sunday afternoon, and I drank fluids for the first time since the previous sunday night. Pot saved me. I went home with a nice bud, and thus began my 2 week high. I woke up, got high, came down a bit, smoked more, came down a bit, smoked more until 1pm. Then I stopped because I needed to be straight for Satan to get home from school. Then I chewed at the bit until he was asleep, and I would get severely fucked so I could sleep.

And here I am. I hold more than you, better quality, am doing more now. And why was I told you stayed there? The drugs? Her?

But you are attempting contact with me, and supposedly calling a truce? What's the matter CLAIRE? Is the honeymoon period on the rebound wearing off? Are you realizing now that wether I have cash or not, I am always in supply because 90% of my friends are potheads, but never voice that they are...so you never knew? Or, are you seriously starting to realize how much of a fucking PRAT you are in doing what you did.

So, with all that being said.......

Here is my answer to your email..........

YOU CAN TAKE YOUR BULLSHIT OFFER OF FRIENDSHIP AND SHOVE IT UP YOUR ASS ALONG WITH EVERYTHING ELSE YOU FUCK YOUR ASS WITH. YOU ARE NOTHING BUT A 2-BIT FUCKING DISGUSTING WHORE TO ME NOW. YOU ARE UNDESERVING OF THIS ENTRY, INFACT YOU ARE SO LOW TO ME NOW THAT YOU ARE NO LONGER WORTH ANY FORM OF THOUGHT IN MY HEAD, AND AFTER THIS ENTRY, THE THOUGHTS WILL CEASE. YOU ARE NOW BENEATH ME. YOU ARE LOWER TO ME THAN SHAWN EVER WAS, AND HE IS A PRICK. YOU TREATED SATAN LIKE SHIT CONSTANTLY, AND TREATED ME EVEN FUCKING WORSE. YOU LIKE TO PLAY THE VICTIM TO YOUR KID, BUT IN THE END YOU KNOW THE FIGHTING STOPPED IN 2003, AND EVERYTHING CHANGED. YOU ARE A FUCKING LIAR! YOU LIED ABOUT MUSIC, OUR RELATIONSHIP, YOUR MPD, YOUR LIFE, JUST ABOUT EVERY FUCKING WORD OUT OF YOUR MOUTH WAS A FUCKING LIE!

But, I looked after you. I taught you how to be female, how to cook, how to look after yourself, and how to survive. I taught you about life, the world, and what love was. I let every lie you told slide because I understood the mpd, and the need for lies. I understood low self-esteem, and low self image, and why you did the things you did. You make me out to be the antichrist, and before I accepted my diagnosis I sure as fuck was. But then I accepted it, calmed down, and relaxed.

How interesting is it, that the moment the fighting stopped, you fucked off with the kid?

And now, like the slimy cunt you are, you tried to come back into my life. Ummmm....I don't think so. You see, things in me have changed. I'm not the pushover I was for you. That was a conscious choice that I made. That has been crushed in me. Friendship is offered to those worthy of it, you never will be. You lie to that kid about me/us, your mom lies about that shit too. You and the entire Harris clan can rot in hell as far as I am concerned. From your drug dealer brother, to supposed dead sister, to your molesting mother, to you and your fucked up ideals on life. I feel no love, onle pure unadulterated HATE for you all.

So, I dedicate the song on this diary to you.

Now, I am watching, and I see you coming in here almost daily. Starting to obssess are we? Watching what you gave up....thinking about me, missing me, are we having doubts now for the choices we made?

Well, I am only going to say this once.

Let it go. Stop coming in here and keeping tabs on me. You no longer have anything at my place. All the clothing you left fits April, and frankly looks better on her. It's now hers. After picking through all your shit, it all hit the trash. About the only things I kept was the funky socks you left here, and they are mine now. My lock has been changed, so the keys you have no longer work, and frankly if you are stupid enough to actually show up in Edmonton, you WILL be deported within the week.

You are not welcome here. You never will be again. Should you actually be stupid enough to show your face, I will simply call my dad, and he will be rid of you. Deportation means an immediate ban from Canada. In a way I hope you show, just so you never can again. The sight of you would make me sick anyways.

Here's a newsflash little girl. I am with someone who treats me like I deserve to be treated. With respect! Oh my, imagine that. A word that seems to be too big for you to understand. Yes Claire, we have decided to have a label.....we are now dating. Both are off the market. No relationship yet, as I am not a fucking idiot, and I don't do rebounds. April is just as I say, amazing. She will hold me at night as we fall asleep. She is calm, laid back, and is a comfort to me. This apartment has never been so calm, and inviting. My friends love her, my family loves her, and Satan thinks the world of her. She will drop everything to play with him. She will share anything she has with him, and is always teaching him something. She treats him better than you ever did. I remember when he would ask you for some of what you were eating, and you would get pissed off. HE'S JUST A KID!

When I look back on the last 5 years of my life, I realize exactly how much you fucked up in my life, and how fucking mental you really are. No, I have no room for any form of "friendship" with you. I would rather get the stomache flu and puke all over myself. I think that would be more enjoyable than knowing you.

Now, I would appreciate it greatly if you would stop coming in here, and keeping tabs on me. You see, I still have the kids mobile #, and lately I have been talking April out of calling it, because she wants your kid to put a fucking leash on you. If you continue to stalk me, and attempt contact, I'll just let her call. For someone who is soooooo inlove with Char, you sure as fuck don't act it. No, instead you read about my life, and then do diary updates that are really pitiful. All they say is "I am sad, and am trying to convince myself that I am happy". Yeah, ok. You made your choices....fuck off and live with the consequences.

No "Claire" you have no place in my life, and never will again. There is someone new, someone worthy, someone more amazing, and more deadly. Someone with self esteem, self worth, and a downright fucking ego. Someone who makes me feel like a little girl. Someone who seduces me nightly, and wants me constantly. Someone who will kiss me passionately every chance she gets...and I love every minute of it. Someone who genuinely cares about me, and OH MY....she also doesn't lie. She is as brutally honest as I am. I do admit though, it was funny how you made me out to be a liar to everyone, considering I have infinite proof of all your lies, and everyone knows that I live my life based on honesty.

No, I am with April now. I am actually happy now. When I fall asleep in her arms at night I actually feel content, and safe. She is who I want now. She is the polar opposite of you in every way. She is amazing.

If you died tomorrow, and I was told, I can honestly say, I would shrug, then smile. You are dead to me anyway.

By the way.....

THIS is April.....

She is all I need.

I moved on, I got better, and I got happier. No, I got happy period.

You are not a person I want to know. You are a psychic vampire. You suck ppl in, play them, and toss them. You will grow old, and die alone. One day the kids will come back out. You thought you had it bad before? Just wait until one comes out looking for "mummy" and can't find her, then realizes you got rid of her. They will try to kill you. Hopefully they will achieve that goal. Your life isn't worth shit now anyways.

With the closure of this entry, I bid you adeiu. This is the final closure to it all. From this moment on I wil put my energies where they belong, with someone who has the right to my affections. Someone who won't use them against me.

Enjoy your life Claire. It's going to be a long and lonely one. And no, I won't ever be in it again. You aren't worth the air you breathe.

Now if you will excuse me, I need to have a shower, as in an hour Satan is gone for a week, and the smoking, and fucking will begin as soon as he is gone. Need to be clean, and shaved for my babe to eat me.

Ta ta!

IVY

Quiet-Bitch!

~WTF?~ - Saturday, Mar. 25, 2017
~Relaxation~ - Tuesday, Sept. 01, 2015
~The hunt is on.~ - Tuesday, Aug. 04, 2015
~Sometimes~ - Friday, Mar. 21, 2014
~Fawk~ - Tuesday, Jan. 07, 2014