Lots of thinking this morning. Probably more thoughts then I am safe having really.

Tomorrow afternoon April arrives here. Everyone is excited, and keeps asking me if I am. I'm not. It's more inconveinient to me than anything. She wants a relationship, tells everyone that I am her gf, and me? Well, she ain't my gf, and I don't want a fucking relationship. Too many things about her rub me the wrong way. I'll just leave it at that. I'll hang out with her, hell I'll even fuck her, but I don't want anything more than just that.

I didn't get high last night, I am attempting to straighten out a bit....not that it's working. It's 8am and I am gonna spark soon. *sigh* Oh yay for wake 'n' bake.

Things are on my mind, and I know I have been skirting the issue in here, and just staying silent about it all. But it is still on my mind, and nagging at me. Lost yet? Ok, let me explain...

When I was 16 my aunt started to teach me things. One of the things she taught me was that ppl say they hate aspects in other ppl that they see in themselves. Lost even more? Well, a comment was made to me one day that has recently started to pick at me. The comment you ask? "April is just a rebound".

Ok *sigh*........

I suppose to the outside eye, she may look that way, but truth be told, I'm not in a relationship with her, nor have I ever been. Infact I truthfully can't have a rebound, because no one but myself can ease my mind and emotions. Not to mention that one of the only ppl that I would ever consider is out of reach, and even then I would say no anyway because I'm to headfucked by everything to be worth anything to anyone.

Now, with that all said, we look at the person who actually said that to me. She didn't even bother to break up with her gf, before she hooked up with another one. Instead, she was all sweet, and played her, and strung her along. For a while she had 2 at the same time, and had no healing time between them both, but still claims it is a real relationship.

Okay, take a step back and look at what she said "April is just a rebound", look at what my aunt says "Ppl hate in others what they hate about themselves" and draw your own conclusion with the facts.

That has me irritated.

I don't like it when ppl sit on their high horse, and pass judgement on me, when I am doing nothing, and they are doing what they are trying to judge me about. I would love to be able to place a very large mirror infront of them, but even then they would look away and stay blind to it all. *sigh*

Well, I have been going through my storage room, and my bedroom closet. So much stuff was left behind. From school grades, to clothing, to pictures, and even court papers. It was all left here. My job now is to sort it all out, clean it all up, and try to move on. My dad's answer to it all? "Throw it all out, she abandoned it here". We'll see what happens. April wants to take a look at her clothes as they are about the same size.

Why am I having such a hard time letting go? Because of the kids. I was Mum for over 4 years. It's like a mother whose child was kidnapped. I miss my kids so fucking bad. I'll sit looking at all the pictures thewy have drawn and painted for me, and I just cry. I miss them.

Then there is her. I know her. I know her better than she knows herself. I know her so well that I even know why she is where she is right now, and how it started. It's just sad that she will only ever know the bitter and cynical Amber, not who I am now. But, choices were made, and as with the universal way of things....change happens.

I don't hate her. I don't have it in me to hate her, although everyone says I should. At the end of the day, she IS my soulmate. I still feel her, I can still sense the kids there, and I feel the misery. No, I can't hate her. I understand why she chose the road she did, and in some ways I agree with her choice, but I don't agree with the fact that it is a rebound. She can't be alone though.

The other day I was reading her court shit, and read her psychiatric reports about her interaction with peers and such. I sit here, and I see history repeating itself in her life. It's sad.

Here's what I wish....

I wish things had ended different.
I wish her past promise of friendship had stuck.
I wish she had taken the time out between us to get ok with herself, so she could start fresh.
I wish she had started a new relationship after a fresh start so it would last.
I wish her pain was gone.
I wish she was happy.
I wish she could find what she is looking for.

No, I don't wish to have her back. She is my soulmate, so there will always be a connection there. Oddly enough I am not running into another persons arms because I have no need to. I found the person I had spent my life looking for. I don't need to look anymore. I am content in knowing that my soulmate is out there, I shared life with them at some point, and I know where they are. I have no need to search for them anymore. Now I can just settle into living life.

It's interesting how in the past few weeks I have mellowed right out. Of course there is the whole drug thing, but even when I am not doing it, I'm still laid back and relaxed. So much has changed since I started to inject on Dec.11th. By body has changed...hell I joined a gym yesterday, my mind has changed...I'm calm and happy, and the major stressor in my life has gone off to do her own thing to try to become happy herself.
I was talking to my mom about her the other day. Everyone hates her. Everyone is suddenly saying that they weren't crazy about her, but I seemed happy. That shit bothers me. So what? Everyone was fucking lying??? All the hugs, and smiles, and nice gifts were fake??? That seriously is starting to disgust me about my family. If you don't like a person, then don't. But don't fucking bullshit me after the fact about how much you don't like them, when I know for a fucking fact you do.

If my father didn't like her, he wouldn't have fucking had her over to his place all the fucking time, and wouldn't have spent that time ignoring me because he was enthralled in her. If my mom didn't like her (although she is a stupid bitch) then why the fuck was she always asking about her, sending her love, and emailing to say she missed her. My brother has stayed silent. My brother has never said anything. I know he is hurt. The 4 hour disappearing act on Dec.23rd 2003 tells me how much he liked her. I think this all broke his heart. He has gone distant again. After she came into my life my brother started to hug me for the first time in my life. Now it's pulling teeth to get him to even talk to me again.

And Satan? He hurts. He hurts really bad too. He is trying to replace her with April. I am just trying to stop him from getting bitter. Even after all of this, I still defend her when it comes to him. Even now, I still consider her past, and understand. I don't have to ask "why?", instead I just silently nod to myself, then turn away.

I just miss my best friend. I miss saying "Hey! Guess what?" or "You have gotta check this out!". Now I sit and swallow it all, and hope to heal faster.

Feb.14th 2004, after 4 years of massive crap, I finally relaxed and opened my heart up to her. I let my guard down, and finally let myself fully fall in love with her. I let myself feel it. Feb-Sept 2004 were the most amazing months I have ever lived. I started to see her in a different light, and started to see her for the beauty that she possessed deep inside.

That was my grave mistake.

That was a mistake I will NEVER make again.

No, I found my soulmate, I'm done looking.

Now, I am just living. Not existing...but living.

I think it is time for an update in one of my locked diaries. I have things to get out, that I don't want to share. I fear them realizing I am open, and attacking me for anything I say.

I'm just dealing with shit out loud so I can heal and move on with my life.

Tomorrow night I will by laying in someone elses arms. Am I even ready for that?

I guess we shall see. Only time will tell.

Be good to yourselves,

IVY

Quiet-Bitch!

~WTF?~ - Saturday, Mar. 25, 2017
~Relaxation~ - Tuesday, Sept. 01, 2015
~The hunt is on.~ - Tuesday, Aug. 04, 2015
~Sometimes~ - Friday, Mar. 21, 2014
~Fawk~ - Tuesday, Jan. 07, 2014