I'm now antisocial, overthinking, tired, and fed up.

*sigh*

Slight dip in the stability. Only because I wan't contact that I can't have. I decided tonight that if Jay isn't here for Crue, I am gonna take Satan with me. I told him, and he tried to shrug. I've been listening to Crue alot, and downloading vids of them. Satan as usual is glued to my side to watch with me. He freaked me out by telling me the names of all the guys. I just blinked at him a whole lot. He's too damn smart.

I miss her you know. I have been talking about her alot lately, and each time I do it's like a knife through the chest.
Nos told me today that he wants me to go to NJ to stay with him for a few. He wants to take me into NYC, and take me to a broadway play, to the village, and on a horse drawn carriage ride through central park. He wants to take me to his condo, to sit on the balcony and look across to Manhattan at sunset. Any girl in the worls would have gone all sappy, and gushed over that. Not me. The only thing in my mind was. "Not unless she comes too" which would never happen, as he wants me to himself badly. He informed me today that he wants to get ink done in canada. I told him that was easy to arrange. All he has to do is ride into Ont. and do it. But he started to imply he wanted to come here to get it done. The whole thing tripped me out.
I had a chat with him this morning, and commented on my being overweight, and he was all "you looked fine to me" which had me trying to explain that I am fat with 1 chin, but he brushed it off as if I was being down on myself. But I was being honest. Something tells me he is one of those who love my attitude, but have shallow views on everything else. He pulls Alpha Male when I am in the chatroom, and someone starts in on me. This morning he threatened a guy that he was gonna ride up to Toronto to wipe him across the pavement....all the guy did was call me a bitch. I personally agreed. But Nos acted like it was a personal attack on him.
Buddy is marriage material. I think that scares me more than anything. He is 37, owns a condo, 2 Harleys, and a PT Cruiser, works a damn good paying job, and has a romantic side, but also a severely sadistic side. His only flaw is his drinking, but he is a happy drunk, and isn't slamming them back 24/7...so even that isn't too bad.

Ok, I admit I like the attention, and am flattered by it. I also admit that he came out with shit I'd love to do. I mean the broadway show itself perked my ears up, as theatre is my life....but in the end, I know that the only reason I have any slight interest, is because Jay isn't here. If she was, I would drop him as quick as anyone else, and would just go on with my life with her. All these ppl are time filler to me. I only stay in touch with a few when my girl is here. I have no reason to go in the room anymore, and I am invis on messy. That way I talk to who I want to, and don't have to deal with others.

Of all the fucking things to trigger me, it's The new Crue song "If I die tomorrow". I swear to fuck that those guys reached into my mind, and yanked those thoughts out. As soon as xmas was over, and new years passed, I started to seriously miss her. I just walk around lost with an incredible ache in my chest now. But, shit happens right? I mean, they have to get sick of her sometime. She can't be there forever. She has to come back to me. She has to.

I'm gonna go tuck Satan in, then lay on my bed, and get lost in thought. I just don't know what to do with myself anymore. And do I miss her, or just miss having someone period? I dunno. She is almost surreal to me now.

I want my reality back.

IVY

Quiet-Bitch!

~WTF?~ - Saturday, Mar. 25, 2017
~Relaxation~ - Tuesday, Sept. 01, 2015
~The hunt is on.~ - Tuesday, Aug. 04, 2015
~Sometimes~ - Friday, Mar. 21, 2014
~Fawk~ - Tuesday, Jan. 07, 2014